DYSFUNCTIONAL LIFE OF MINE

Bleh.

2010-12-06T20:52:00.002-07:00

I'm tired. I'm burnt out. I decided that I stopped caring about a lot of things and a lot of people in the last year. That's ok though. I have too much going on in my own life to let anyone else matter. I have a lot to do before this baby comes out. Back to the drawing board I go.

2010-11-28T22:53:00.000-07:00

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2010-11-28T22:47:00.000-07:00

Snowflakes And Wishes Christmas

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Decisions, Decisions

2010-10-02T19:47:00.002-06:00

Saturday night, the kids are getting ready for bed, and I'm watching Teen Mom and blogging. I have so much going on right now, and just need to take a minute to pray and let God lead the way. Not alot of people know that I am spiritual, but I am. Doesn't show alot, but I am.

The decision now stands on whether or not we will move to California. We'll find out soon enough and take it from there of course. I'm ready for change and I'm expecting again, so this will be a good thing to be with Tim. So many things goes into this move of course. Finding a new place, finding a school for Braeden, and preparing myself to stay home. I'm not much of the stay at home mom, and I owe that all to my mother. Sadly enough, that was one of the few lessons she taught me that I am glad about. Never to depend on anyone and if something needs to be done, do it yourself. We'll know for sure next week sometime if it is even is a possibility. If not, on to plan B. What is plan B? Good question, as soon as I have it all figured out, then I'll let you know.
Eh. To the drawing board I go.

September 26, 2010

2010-09-26T10:40:00.005-06:00

Timmy got to come home for a week 2 weeks ago. We were able to take our family pictures finally, which we have never done in the 9 1/2 years we have been together. I will say they turned out amazing! I have a beautiful family and of course I'm proud of it! Jamie did amazing capturing each of the kids personalities.

Being a "single" mom is crazy. Life is crazy that's for sure. I'm blessed to have the strength that I do to get through all of it. I'm also blessed to have children who aren't super crazy and disobedient. I have to have the kids on a schedule so I can make it through the day, and if they aren't, it makes everything chaotic. I love my life and wouldn't change it for the world.

I had parent teacher conference Thursday for Braeden. My son is top 2 in the class. Advanced in all subjects and is starting to do 2nd grade work. He is being put in ELD as well, which is a class for advanced students. Now when the teacher first told me that I wanted to freak out on her, cause I always thought those were classes for kids who have a hard time doing any school work. LOL. Turns out it's a class for advanced students who spend an hour a day doing research on whatever topics the teacher gives them. He was pretty excited about it. The teacher asked him how he felt about his school work, if he thought it was too easy, or if it was hard, and his response to her was, "I need harder". Of course he does. I'm blessed to have amazingly intelligent children. The apple never falls too far from the tree. LOL. I'm a proud mommy that's for sure. He also told her that he is a good brother and he loves to read to his sisters and teach them. Obviously. Arianna knows all of her ABC's, letters, and can count to 30 and she's only 3. Kamari knows her ABC's and is learning the letters and can count to 20 and she's only 2. Thanks to Braeden, my girls may just be skipping through grades when they get older. LOL. He himself may just be skipping through at the rate he's going. Only the Lord will know though. I'm truly blessed to have amazing kids. They absolutely drive me nuts too, but they're kids.

I was able to road trip back to Cali with Tim. He took my Charger and left me the Durango. Dodge family? Yes of course. He wasn't kidding when he said he was in the middle of no where. I mean... literally in the middle of no where.... As in "movie, stuck in the wilderness and something waiting to kill you style"... His barracks look like a condemned hospital. White with dark orange trim. A little freaky, but they're are barracks. You can't really expect 5 star living conditions. It's literally 30-45 minute drive to the closest city's. I absolutely loved the wine country though. It felt so relaxing, and I wasn't stressed out, or freaking out about anything. Amazing what happens when you put yourself in a different environment. I was able to meet 2 of the soldiers he normally hangs out with and they are quite the characters I will say. I will say that the Army experience definitely brings you to meet new people all the time, all with different backgrounds and all with a life story of their own. We hung out at the bar on post and water the is disgusting, but it was fun. We drove up to San Jose on Saturday and was able to go to Santana Row. That place is awesome!!! We stayed at the Crowne Royal (beautiful) and walked downtown to the Asian festival and to the area that had the live band and patio seating dining. We were in the heart of the Art world there. I loved every minute with the hubby. I will say it was weird to wake up and not have a kid with me at any point in time in the 4 days I was gone. The break was well needed that's for sure. Anyway that was my time with spent with the hubby. =)

Now it's a week later and I'm sitting here with 5 cups of coffee in me, and trying to figure out a really cute way to collage my family pictures on a huge 24x36 frame and blogging of course. This is going to be fun. =)

This is the update for now.....

Out with Old... In with the New

2010-08-01T08:59:00.006-06:00

It's been quite a while since I last updated this thing. All for the better of course. I have let go of all the people who didn't matter, kept the ones close that still do and continued on with my life with my little family of mine. It's amazing to know that people who should be your family, turn out to be just another person on the street who has an opinion of how your life should have been and say how much better they are than you are. Like I have always said my whole life, I don't live in a sheltered world where I have to lie to people and make them feel good. I say what I do because it's what I see and I have realized that honesty doesn't run too high with anyone anymore these days. This is my life path and not yours, so you just stick to worrying about your life and the direction it's headed, then judging me and being surprised that I have what I have. What happened to the true relationships where your family loved you for you? or Where your family takes your flaws and your qualities and accepts them and supports you because that's what family does? I love my life and what it all entails and anyone who has any negative, judgemental thing to say.. Well.... if you know me, you know what my response to you is. Out with the Old!

I would never trade my life for anyone elses. God has a plan for me and if my life were to be different, then it would be. I have four kids, and a hubby who is on Military Assignment in Cali for a year. You'd be amazed at how much I can handle. I work full time, am a full time mom and I manage to take care of us. If i'm not responding in anyway, well as you can tell, my hands are full. More updates coming soon.....

Funny Thing

2009-09-26T16:20:00.003-06:00

"We may not have it all together, but together we have it all."

People have a misconception in my life of what "my" family should be. No one is perfect in this world and everyone should understand that, but to only point fingers and not take responsiblity for a relationship that didn't work, is a huge contradiction. I have tried. I have called. I have asked. After a while, I realized it was only one sided. I am not perfect and I have taken credit for all the messed up things I have done in my life, but what no understands is that I have to look out for MY family, MY kids. No one else. It's strange that people have a hard time grasping the reality of that. If anyone really grasped the reality of that, no one would have anything to say about me. No one would blame me. No one would talk shit and not have the decency to ask me about it. The best part of it all is when you have an outsider saying "you're family isn't going to be there for you in the end", or "that's why everyone stays away from YOU GUYS over there". The only thing I have to say to anyone who gets pregnant, and uses my sister and my nephew for his money to buy you things, You, my dear, are the last person in this world that should be judgemental, and YOU my dear, should be the last person talking about "growing up" and "being mature". When you learn how to NOT DEPEND on someone else, and where the next party is going to be, then maybe one day you will reach the level of the rest of the grown up, mature people in this world. Everyone has an opinion on what I say to people, or how I treat them. As I said in the beginning of this blog, I have tried and I was burned. Even after all the stupid bull shit comments of "I treat you like animals", or "I have no respect", or "Belle, I dont' care about you kids", or "You need to think of your sister and your brother over there", or "I always get put in the middle of everything and just want to be left alone".

I am sick of everyone actually convincing themselves that I am the only one to blame. Do whatever it is that you need to do.

The only family that has ever been there for me, is the family that has always been there for me and they will be the only ones there for me in the end.

It Is What It Is

2009-09-06T18:05:00.002-06:00

I watch. I hear. I listen.

There is a whole world out there that needs to be discovered.

Live. Learn. Move on.

Sometimes things have to be said and done in order to be heard.

Faith. Family. Friends

Priorites are the best when people have them in the right order.

REALITY

2009-08-23T13:12:00.002-06:00

The most interesting thing about having a family like mine, is the fact that are all dysfunctional. Some more than the rest of us of course. Some people think that this is normal, but normal is in no way this fucked up.

The thing I love the most about my parents and my siblings is the fact that they all expect me to do what is best for them, and to forget about what matters to me the most which is my kids and my husband.

I love how everyone has opinions on my life and how everyone is so judgemental on what I do and where my life is going. I drive a charger. Yes I said Charger. How do I afford it? I work my ass off to pay for it. How do I have all the nice things that I do? I work my ass off to pay for it. Am I struggling? Not at all but for some reason, everyone has a misconception that I am. While I am living my life and enjoying what I have and not trying to compete or say shit about what others don't have, you can all go back to your sheltered lives and hide there.

On a different note. I am so sick and tired of all these people in this world who call themselves my family and say they want everything to be the same, yet in the same paragraph hurry and talk shit about me and blame me for how everyone else is feeling and acting. This story is all to familiar. This is the same round I have dealt with except, all of you blamed Laina. Is it that hard for any of you to take responsibility for your own actions?

You know why all of you have an issue with me? and why some of you decide not to say anything to me? Because all of you can't handle the harsh truth of what I have to say. I am tired of living a life where you have to lie to make your family member feel better about themselves. I have gone far past that stage and live in the realistic world of, I would rather hear the truth then have to lie and explain later down the road when you find out I lied to you. Wouldn't you rather me tell you the truth? No one agrees with me because you all live in a fantasy world. What happened to the days when family used to talk about situations and work through them, instead of all of you trying to tell me what I did wrong, or what I need to change, or what I need to do to better YOUR LIVES? Is that why we are going to court? Because I need to take care of YOU? Have any of you taken the time to sit and think about what I lost out of the situation? Have any of you sat down and thought about the damage it did to my kids? Of course not. Why would you? You still think I need to what is best for all of YOU. I love how conveniently no one told me about a court date and I didn't get a letter. You are all wonderful.

What's sad is I never thought that the kids would end up being the same way. I loved the kids like the were my own and was always there even if I didn't talk to them all the time. As of lately though, I realized that they are all doing the same thing to Liz that their family did to me. It is so sad to see these kids that I love do the one thing that is keeping me from being with their family. All over a boy who should never be a priority. Yet, I'm the one who they all blame because they say she is different. Different how? Are you shocked that she has a mind of her own and isn't doing whatever YOU all want her to do? Have any of you sat down and thought that the way she feels is how she feels and that maybe all of you should love her for her, and not for how YOU want her to be? You all fell into the "blaming" game, but not one of you stopped to think that maybe you should have heard her side and how she felt about the situation and respected the way she felt instead of trying to convince her that, she didn't feel the way she did. Yet, all of you blamed me for it, and said she does everything I tell her. You obviously don't know how our relationship is between us, but you assume. That's why I can say I am the only here for her through this because in reality, you all left her stranded out there. So before you start to talk your shit and try to tell her she doesn't feel the way she does, maybe all of you should put yourselves in her shoes and tell me how you would feel.

Anyway. This is the reality of life right now. It's amazing that everything happens for a reason and you find out who your real family is.

....

2009-05-21T20:19:00.002-06:00

I have decided that it always takes a really long time for me to sit down and type something on here. A lot has happened since my last post. I have been doing alot of thinking lately and every day I start to feel a little more content. I dont have the most exciting life, and I dont have all the wonderful things happen, but for the little that I do, I am truly blessed. I have learned that it takes alot out of me to care and love someone. At what point do you say, "You know what? It's time to just stop caring anymore". I have reached that point for a lot of the people in my life. I look at how dysfunctional everything is, and yet I have the 3 most beautiful babies in this world that make me happy. He makes me happy sometimes as well, and I him sometimes. It isnt fair to say always, cause that is a fairy tale that doesnt happen here. When you know the distance is there, and you wake up wondering if the person next to you really, truly loves you, or wonder if they are really just there because it's the "normal", you cant help but just want to throw in the towel and say, "Is this really worth it?". It can only go so far when it is a one way street. That's how it feels to me anyway. He doesnt say much to me anyway, so I dont know if I do something that he hates, or something that discourages him from me. I dont read minds, although that would be some unique trait to have at this point. I dont really have a point to this entry today. I just needed to write some of the things that have been on my mind lately.

The End

Bleh....

2009-04-22T20:39:00.001-06:00

Looks like I haven't been the only one not keeping up on my blog as of late. I have been so busy working, I never have time for anything. I got a little present from the people who supposedly call me "family". Man, I laughed histerically. It was just too bad I had to get it on a day I was already pissed. They at least could have waited for a good day of mine. Or not. Karma is a bitch, and I'll let it takes it place. Too bad for them. Losers.

Anyway, I am too tired to finish any of this, so i'm hitting the bed. Maybe next time I will have more to write about.

"Hate Me"

2009-03-24T20:59:00.003-06:00

I have to block out thoughts of you so I dont lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that Im alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say you that love me just to put in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
And in a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didnt do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see whats good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
icking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes bright and I held your face in my hand
And then fell down yelling "make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like is used to be
And then she whispered "how can you do this to me?"

I am so sick....

2009-03-21T10:25:00.002-06:00

of double fucking standards that never fucking end.

of people honestly thinking i owe somebody something.

of always being taken for granted.

of always putting up with bull shit that I dont need too.

of stupid fucking people who think they derseve more than me.

I am just so damn sick of it all....

And... Im good...

2009-02-15T16:51:00.003-07:00

Everything is good now. LoL. Had to vent uncontrollably on that last one. It's ok though. I am not going to apologize for any of that. Anyway, this week has been a good one. Valentines rocked and it's for the mere fact that for once, the chips are falling into place. It took alot, but we are now there, and I love it. Strange how everything will fall into place..... That's all I have for now...

YOU DONT KNOW ME

2009-02-07T17:23:00.003-07:00

I title this piece with all fairness. First off I am writing this for those of you who apparently think you know who I am, and what I am about. I am clearing the air for those of you who have any misconceptions of me. If you think you know, you really, have no idea.

I am blunt. Honesty runs high with me. I give it that way, I do not want it any other way. I speak truth and in a very forward way. That's the best way to describe it. The only time anything you say will get to me is if you mean something to me. Hence the reason I do not care about what others opinions and views are on me. Although, don't let me catch you saying anything about my kids. Trust me, you will see a side that you will have nightmares about. I vocalize all of the issues that people are AFRAID to deal with. I bring it to the table and deal with it then move on. With or without you, I move forward and that's the bottom line. It is NOT my problem that you are afraid to say anything.

I hold people close who hold me close. I will be there for you, and when you screw me over, you can believe that you will no longer exist to me. I laugh at the people who say I AM DRAMA. I'm sorry. I do NOT live in nor will I EVER live in a sheltered life where you are not allowed to express the way that you feel and want people to do the same, feelings hurt or not. If that's what you call drama, then maybe you need to open your eyes to the bigger issues in this world. I'll continue to be me, and if you don't want to accept that, ill put both middle fingers in the air when I tell you to fuck off, and my life will go on. I have been through too much shit in my time for anyone to try and make excuses of me being "DRAMA". If that's how you feel, then let me help you. STOP THE BULLSHIT AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. I have made it in this world leaving all the people who cannot accept me for me, and if you think for any reason you will matter that much to me, try me. Really. I have been through way to much shit to be any other way, and if you cant accept that, then move the fuck on. I will worry about me and mine. If you just got offended by what I wrote. Call me, text me, myspace me, hell even start a blog if you need too. Let's lay the bull shit on the table, deal with it move on. If not, keep your shit to yourself and hold your grudges. Until you come out of your sheltered world, where it's OK to just keep your feelings to yourself, Ill be doing my thing until you are ready.

If this hasn't explained enough to anyone, I honestly don't know what else I can say that will. If I do something that has offended you, bring it to the table, we will deal with it and move forward.

Wow....

2009-01-25T21:09:00.003-07:00

Today has been quite an interesting day. It's been an interesting week for that. I feel the need to write, yet nothing comes out. I'll just have to leave it there until I can figure something out.....

Speechless....

2009-01-25T21:03:00.002-07:00

My little Nana Girl-
I hope you like this little drawing of you. I miss you so much Arianna. I hope this picture will stay with you for many years to come, just as you will stay in my heart forever. I miss holding you, making you laugh, and our little kisses. I love you like you are my own daughter. It's hard to express in words what you mean to me. Just know that I love you with all my heart and not a day goes by that I dont think of you. Nothing will ever come in between the special bond we share. I hope and pray that one day, God will bring us back together. I miss and love you, you truly are my little angel.

Biu Olive

Sooooo....

2009-01-23T19:00:00.002-07:00

My week is off. I feel like my world collided with the inevitable, and im stuck somewhere in la la land hoping to find my feet again. I just read Pokos blog. LMAO COMPLETELY.. You go find your Edward girl.. and when you do... well... Yeah... You know the rest of that thought... LMAO COMPLETELY..... I got a new phone. Exactly like moms. CHEAPER. LoL. And its totally beautimus, although, i cant text for shit cause the keys are different. LOL. Stupid. Im ranting, and right now I dont really care. Poko call me on mom or alexs phone, cause MOBILE TO MOBILE is FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.... LMAO COMPLETELY.... Tim's in Cali right now, and it has been quiet, and weird over here.... Anyway off to go to the in laws house!!

Blah

2009-01-18T19:23:00.003-07:00

Today has been a very blah day. I haven't had much sleep, then I woke up super early and went to see Josh. He laughed because he said I was the only one crazy enough to see him that early. When I went to see him yesterday I had asked to be taken off of his list since I got denied to see boo. Well, he was totally fine with that, but did mention that it would take a week to get off of his list, then I would have to wait 90 days before I could resubmit for boo. That sucks. He did tell me that there was a clause in the policy and procedures that said that if I were family to both inmates, then I should be allowed to see both. I will be writing a letter for an appeal. I am waiting back from Josh on information on that so I can get it started.

Anyway, I have been feeling off today. I have this sadness hanging over my head today. It's probably from the fact that my family is leaving tomorrow morning to move to Texas. It sucks really bad but what do you do. Everything will be fine. I just have to get used to riding solo out here. It's all good though. I'm glad work keeps me occupied enough for me not to think about it.

Tim leaves Tuesday morning for 6 days. It was supposed to be for 2-4 weeks, but apparently not enough soldiers from his unit volunteered to go, so it will just be him, and only for 6 days. Something is better than nothing. That is for sure. It will totally be a good break. For both of us. It is much needed. Things have gotten a lot better, with a few exceptions of some days that I want to ring his neck, but thats normal right? Marriage wouldn't be normal if I didn't get pissed at him. My marriage anyway. LOL COMPLETELY.

Today I thought about John saying that blogs are open diaries for everyone to read, so why would I want to air out my business on there. I laughed. For me, it's a nice way for me to let go of all the anger im holding inside and I give my friends and family reason to appreciate their own lives considering when they read my blog, they automatically feel better about their own lives. That is hilarious to me. Hey, if I cant be there, then they can read and appreciate right? Right. Besides, only those I dont mind having an insight have the link.

I wrote boo again today. I haven't gotten a response from him for my last letter. He although has written everyone else to tell me a lot of things. What a weirdo. He must be too lazy to write to me. I guess he has a super cute surprise for Nana girl that I am not to know of, but I do since moms already told me. LOL. I did discover that apparently I have been sending Sarah letters with the wrong USP number. That's great. So Jane Doe has my letters and is wondering who the hell I am. Now that, is comedy.

I feel like relaxing, laying down, watching a good movie. I have movie channels now. I have no idea how, but I do. Im hoping they are just open for view so we can decide if we really want them, if not, im going to ring someones neck if it got ordered. Yes, I truly will too.

I'm having a Scentsy party next Sunday. It should be fun. Im hoping people got my invites. That would suck if they didnt. I didnt have addresses or phone numbers for others, so I am hoping that they come anyway. I still have to send email invites out. I should do that right after this blog. I am rambling. Yikes.

I am wondering what the hell Poko is talking about. Who called you out of the blue? And I noticed they are song lyrics, but um, it isn't literal right? Like it was a BOY that called you, not a GIRL... Not that I would care. EH. Just call me you dumb girl, and stop making me guess what's wrong with you.

Anyway, I think I have rambled about a bunch of different things. Did I say my house was clean? I love love love it. I love the smell of pinesol, clorox, laundry deterget, fabric softener.... Sweet. If only I had a cool candle scent too.

Enough for tonight...

2009

2009-01-10T10:01:00.002-07:00

New year. New beginnings. Moving forward.

Im starting fresh. I'm tired of always being angry, I'm tired of always being mad, I'm tired of hurting, I'm just tired. So, I'm starting new. Clean slate. I'm naturally a happy, go-lucky person, not a "show the world im fine, while im dying inside" person. I admit. My insides are close to being dead, but with this new year, im letting go of the past, and beginning a new future.
On that note, I also do not want anyone to mistaken what I just said as "I want you in my life again" either. I am not God. I do not have to forgive and seeing as to how I really do not ever forget, then you're still screwed. That is not me still being angry. Simply, truth spoken.

I got wind that that my sister decided to move to Texas. =( I cant begin to tell you how that super breaks my heart. I know it's the best thing for them considering the life changing events of last year, but it still hurts. She's all I have out here. Other than little Ioana, but I can't control how much they allow her to see me. Although, I totally do not mind the park up the street like the "forbidden boyfriend" and have her run up the street as I have Poko on the phone. That was comedy at its best. Anyway, it's sad. I'm going to miss our IHop mornings. It's just so crazy, but she and everyone else are totally confidant that shortly, i'll follow. I don't know about that though. I love my job here and besides, I want to see Boo on a regular basis as soon as they approve me. Ill be the stand in for our family until everyone gets to come down to visit him. I wont be able to get on Sarah's visiting list though because we are not family and I guess im not allowed to be on a friends list if I am already on a family list.

Anyway, moral of my story, New year, new beginnings, moving forward.

EYES ON FIRE

2009-01-10T09:54:00.002-07:00

I’ll seek you out,
Flay you alive
One more word and you won’t survive
And I’m not scared of your stolen power
I see right through you any hour
I won’t soothe your pain
I won’t ease your strain
You’ll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain
I’m taking it slow
Feeding my flame
Shuffling the cards of your game
And just in time
In the right place
Suddenly I will play my ace
I won’t soothe your pain
I won’t ease your strain
You’ll be waiting in vain
I got nothing for you to gain
Eyes on fire
Your spine is ablaze
Felling any foe with my gaze
And just in time
In the right place
Steadily emerging with grace
Felling any foe with my gaze
Steadily emerging with grace
Felling any foe with my gaze
Steadily emerging with grace

Seriously....

2008-12-31T09:34:00.002-07:00

Ok. Really. If my year hasnt just gone to shit in the last month of my life. I doubt it's looking any better. Forecast for my New Years???? Fucked up.

My life as it stands as of right now... Fucked up. I am so pissed. I cant even finish this blog.

Off to figure out how NOT to kick anyones ass today.

New Beginnings

2008-12-28T20:40:00.003-07:00

Today has been a good day. We had the Demet side Christmas party last night which was fun. It was nice to see everyone again. I got a $50 gift card from pops so Stacy and I went to Old Navy today. It was nice to get out and breath. I dropped the kids off with the grandparents so they could take them sledding. The older two anyway. Tim stayed home with baby girl, so I definitely got to have a break. I of course hit up Starbucks considering my 2 BFF's got me GC's for it. That was exciting considering I love love love Starbucks. We got back and I started the laundry and now am almost all the way done with it. I am so sleepy, but for some reason I cant go to sleep. So, here I am watching Twilight again and blogging.

I am truly excited for the new year. New beginning. Fresh start. I decided that I am going to make the best of it no matter what the outcome in my life may be.

Here are some of my goals for the New Year:
Change my eating habits... (If I call it a diet, I am more likely to fail at it)
Smile always.
I haven't hit rock bottom yet, so I have no plans on trying to make that happen.
Enjoy what I have currently and not overwhelm myself with "What if?" "Now what?"
Take everything one day at a time, and let everything fall into place.

That's what I have so far. I'm sure my list will get bigger as it gets closer to the New Year, but I figured if I start out small, my list wont get overwhelming and Ill be able to actually accomplish them. Anyway, that's all I have energy for. Off to finish the remainder of my laundry. Until next time.....

Best Quote I heard yet....

2008-12-25T21:30:00.002-07:00

"Sometimes it's best to forget how you feel & remember what you DESERVE"

Flightless Bird

2008-12-25T21:02:00.002-07:00

I am aching. For a better outcome. For a sign that says there will be a light behind the darkness. I used to think I have found one, but now I dont know. This year has been one of the worst of my life. With only a few weeks left, it isnt getting any better. I feel the need to cry, but I cant bring myself to let the tears flow. I have so much anger, so much pain, so much confusion. A part of me says no more. A part of me says hold on. For what? Why am I? Is there a reason? I can only plead with the Lord, and hope that he will see me through this. Im sure there is a reason that he is bringing me to this. I cant figure it out, but im sure there is a reason. I have lost in so many ways. How can I be everything to my children, when I cant even figure out who I am, or how to keep it together. Sure, when you see me, its like I have it all under control, but my personal demons inside are screaming and tearing me apart. Im guarded. With very good reason. If I can just get passed it. Move forward. I dont know how to move forward. I have alot at stake. My children do. I need a sign. Please God, show me in the end everything will be ok.

My Prayer

2008-12-23T19:09:00.006-07:00

Dear Lord,

I come before you tonight

with a humble heart and a humble mind.

I know I dont do this often,

but I need guidance in this life of mine.

The road im on is dark,

Im not sure which way im going day by day.

Please help me clear the confusion,

I dont know how to, any other way.

Thank you for the strength

that you have blessed upon me,

I know I should be more grateful

for every other beautiful thing,

but it's hard to see past the darkness,

I need your light so I can see.

Confusion enclouds my entire being.

Please show me a sign of happiness.

Please show me a sign of light.

I have to get past the darkness.

I pray that you hear my plea,

and continue to show me the way,

I dont know how much fight I have left

to get me through the next day.

Amen

End of 2008

2008-12-20T20:06:00.003-07:00

I have just read Poko's blog again. The tears streamed. Im an emotional wreck. I have spent a good portion of the last three weeks crying. Even if it wasn't in front of everyone, I did. I have to be strong. I dont want pitty. I need support. I have support. Sometimes its just better to break. The sooner I break, the sooner Ill recover.

It's amazing how great of a support system I have.

To my family. Wait. I need to be specific other wise unwanted people will assume I am talking about them.

"My OLIVE ride or die family"
I love you guys. I miss you more.
Moms: You have always been there for me, and I have tried to be there for you just as much. Not because I owe it to you, but because you have been my strengths in places I didnt know how to be. Words cant even express how grateful and how much I appreciate all you do for me. Nothing will ever break our bond.
Pops: You are the balance in our lives. It's hilarious how you always put me and mom into place, and yet at the same time can always keep us laughing completely. Without you, moms would probably have no heart, and I wouldnt be able to see things from a different perspective. I love you for that.
Alex: I love you for you. Always have. Always will. We have an unspoken closeness. Im just glad you know that I will always be there for you no matter what, and I always know you will be there too.
Biu: I know you cant read this, but it is neccesary for me to write this also. This has been one hell of a year. I love you for everything you are, everything you do and everything and everytime you have saved me from my personal hell. I'll always be here, and you know that.
Liz: Oh my dear. The shit that we have been through. Individually and together. I will always be the person to give you advice, to tell you not to follow in my lead, to tell you that maybe everything IS worth fighting for, and to be the one person to call you and cry when I have no idea what else I should be doing. I love you for you and for always praying my soul. Ill find it someday.

"My TEXAS family"
Moms: I dont know what I, or any of us would do if we didnt have you in our lives. I never tell you how much you mean to me or how much I appreciate and am grateful for everything you have ever done for me in my life, but I need you to know this. I love you for the big heart that you have, the giving, the caring, the love that you constantly spread to every old, and new person. I cant imagine being able to do that. You are an angel. Truly.
Tina: I know we hardly keep in touch, but Im glad that we have the bond that we do. We may not be as close as either of us would like to be, but honestly, I would never want you to really be so involved in my dysfunctional life. The less pain you have to see me in, the better. Really. I love you for always being there. The silent support and yet you know exactly what to say and when. Im sorry I cant ever be there for you like I want to be, but know that I love you.
Chris and Phillip: We dont talk. I hate that. Chris, you get mad at me, and dont tell me. I hate that too. In the end, no matter what, I love you always. The protectors. That is always the first thing that comes to mind when I think of you two.

"My ARCHULETA family"
Words cant begin to express how much we are grateful for everything you guys have done for us. For me. The support that you provide even with the mere fact that I am not blood is amazing. We have definately been through our ups and downs and I am truly grateful for the positive that keeps coming. I love you all for that...

My friends I call family:
You guys kick ass. You guys are amazing for putting up with me in this crazy dysfunctional life of mine. Who else can I get stupidly drunk with and tomorrow you will still be there to say, "lets do it again". Thanks for the shoulders, the ears, for letting me cry or scream, the "just keep smiling" phrase. There is a reason why I can only count you guys on one hand. Barely. Or maybe im the lucky one. I think that sounds about right. I love you guys for always being there for me. I dont ever get to say that, but its important you know.

I have a support system at work too. How funny is that? I have only been there a month, but they are there to support and uplift. Not only because they want me to do well there, but because they actually care. That's something you rarely see these days.

These are all the people who I have in my life who accept my dysfunction, and love me for me, and no matter what may come, will always be there for me, as I for them. It's not everyday I get to tell them how I appreciate them, so today, I am doing just that. There is always a sunshine after the rain, and I catch glimpses of it now and again. I definately know there is hope, and it will get better. Im just bracing the pain and waiting to recover. Soon. It'll be here.

NEW BLOG

2008-12-13T13:06:00.002-07:00

I have created a new blog. A happy one. For the kids. =)

archuletafab5.blogspot.com

Anger at its best.....

2008-12-11T23:30:00.002-07:00

I just dont know what to do anymore. This blog is my sanity. Dysfunction is my only way of life I decided. How can I be the only one trying? IT ISNT FAIR. I dont know what the hell to do anymore. Is it normal to be in a one sided relationship????? He mood swings worse than I do on my period. If you know me, you know exactly why. I dont get it. Am I just that bad of person that he doesnt feel like it is neccasary to treat me the way I should be???? What the hell. I have every effing right to be really angry. Apparently, I am the only one who thinks so. So, ladies and gentlemen... It is NOT ok for me to be angry, nor do I have a right. Im sorry... but FUCK that. I am not stupid. Somebody just give me a damn clue as to how anyone expects me to keep trying....

Here I am... Day 2

2008-12-09T18:30:00.002-07:00

Hm. We decided counseling. Everyone I have talked to recommended it. Which has been barely a handful of people. So here we are.... One last attempt. "Worse thing that will happen is you'll figure out who you are", encouraging words most of them said. I have lost myself. I'm in the process of finding me again, and sometimes thats hard to do when you get caught up in the day to day thing. How could you possibly make someone else happy when you, yourself, are not happy.

I'm just taking it one step at a time, one day at a time.....

HERE I AM....

2008-12-08T06:29:00.003-07:00

It's official. We are separated, I think. He told me that he can't survive another separation. It's what I need right now. I can't get passed the "I don't want to be with you anymore, I don't love you anymore" speech that he gave me just a few weeks ago. If that doesn't scream get out, I don't know what does. In the last few weeks I have prepared myself to get through the end. I guess I always knew it would come to end one day. It's hurting like hell at this point, and I'm sure the worst has yet to come. He won't let me take time to myself to search to see if there is a way to mend me. "If it was so easy for me to think of my parents and brother dying, and not cry or feel any sort of sadness, how could you possibly think that I wouldn't put my guard all the way back up and shut you out like I did them. You were supposed to be the one person who wasn't going to do this to me. Not now. Not ever." The words rang so clearly as a reminder in both of our heads. He knows how I am, and what my defense mechanism is, and he gave up. I just want him to be happy. Truly. We both deserve to be happy, and I now know it's not together. "Let's make this as painless as possible" he said last night. I agree. Fully. No one needs to hurt anymore than they do now. Especially not the kids. My poor kids. They have seen dysfunction at it's best. I thank the man upstairs everyday that they have blessed them with families that love them and won't do anything to hurt them. They are blessed with grandparents from his side that love them and want every part of their lives with nothing stopping them. He has his family who will show my kids the true meaning of your family sticking together no matter what. We all know they can't count on that on my side. They have Lainas family and our family in Texas, but we are only a part of the force we hoped we could have been at one point, but we are truly better off without the selfishness and drama. My kids do not need to learn that nor do they need to feel the pain that was inflicted on me. I can at least save them from that. At least when they look at what's left of us, the can see how strong our bond is and we will be able them to show how no matter how dysfunctional it is, we can stay strong. Together. Always. There's a light somewhere, but for right now, all I can see is darkness. I have to stay strong and keep going for my kids, for me. I wouldn't be me if I wasn't able to get back up and keep going. I can't bask in my own sadness and let the world pass me by and let my kids try to figure it out. My poor kids. How can we break it to them? I have endured the worst pain ever, but I don't know if ill be able to endure the pain that this is going to cause them. "Let's just get through Christmas". They don't need to deal with this right now." I agree. Fully. I have prepared myself for the worst pain, but there is nothing in this world that is going to get me ready for the look on their faces or the way this is going to make them feel. Braeden will know. I hope he doesn't revert like he did when we were separated the first time. I hope he doesn't end up hating me for this. My daughters. I can't begin to think what will happen to them. Arianna is almost 2. That's how old Braeden was the first time. He knew, and it affected him so bad. He has abandonment issues. Still does to this day. At least Kamari is way to young to figure it out. I can only pray that the man above gives me the strength to endure their pain. If I could avoid them having to feel any pain and sacrafice myself to be in pain, I would.

This is dysfunction at its best.....

Hmmmm.....

2008-12-03T22:52:00.003-07:00

Ok so it's been nearly a month since I have written in this thing. Most people write about their lives. I come here to vent because sometimes this is all I have. Scary I know, but it brings me sanity in a twisted way.

I got the job I was wanting. Loving it for sure. I love that what I do actually affects something and my job isn't meaningless. The fact that I am always busy, is a bonus.

Lately I have been twisted with different emotions. Some happy, some sad, some frustrated, and upset. Some days I feel like I can do it, other days, I just don't. Weird. I don't really know how to explain it other than I'm balancing my life and trying to figure out if there's something I'm missing. Huh. Anyway... I'm too tired to think right now... Until next time.....

SIGH

2008-11-11T14:35:00.002-07:00

I think I might have found an awesome company to work for today... That's if they will call me back... LoL... My interview went well. It's nice to see people who are in a work environment be all crazy. I LOVE it. I had 4 interviewers! LOL! It was the most interesting, crazy, fun interview I have been in. I would LOVE to work for them.

Everything has been crazy lately. I have been on a mad job hunt for sure. I hate that Chrismas is coming around the corner and yet I have nothing. Besides that, I want to find somewhere that I can stay in for a long time. I hate job jumping. It's annoying. So hopefully I will find a place that I can work for, for the long haul. Everything is coming together so far. Slowly, but it is. You just have to leave it in God's hands.

So I have decided to finally put my efforts into going to school. It's so crazy to have little kids and try to do school at the same time. I'm hoping I can do it though. For sure.

Anyway, I am tired. Time to take a nap. LoL... Until next time....

.....

2008-11-05T19:06:00.003-07:00

It is amazing at how this blog brings peace to me. It calms my damn anxiety down. This is why I take my happy pills. To get the hell away from this life. I am completely uneasy for the simple fact that I can not handle today. Yes, I did admit to giving up. I would like to run as far away as I can. I love my kids. Don't get me wrong, but today, I can not handle them. Today they are being whiny and running around like animals after I repeatedly told them to stop. My baby is crying and I'm frustrated. Tim is sleeping because he is exhausted. Good for him. Good for him that he gets to rest and not worry about the kids. After all, he does get "his time" every week, three times a week, and I get maybe one if I am lucky. Yes he works, but there has to be a balance. Yesterday was the only day that he didn't play basketball, and that was because it was closed. He got to hang out with his family, and quite frankly, they always save the day. They take care of the kids when we are there. I admit. When we are there, I like to let them take care of the kids. Basically he didn't HAVE to watch them. Today he is sleeping because he is tired. I am tired. I don't think anyone really knows how hard it is to be a stay at home mom until they have actually done it. I know for sure, that this is NOT for me. Anyway, tomorrow he will go to his U of U game, and be gone all night again. Who knows what Friday will bring. I totally need to run away for a while. I just cant take this today. Not today.

I have applied at so many places this past week and last week. Frustrating for sure. All I want is job that will not pay me less than $13. Is that so bad to ask? I mean, I have the experience. Job hunting is irritating.

Right now I would like to be sitting on a damn beach drinking a margarita or two or three or four. Maybe taking shots of tequila... One tequila... Two tequila... Three tequila... FLOOR... Yup.. That's how it would go too.

I don't know, maybe I am just being selfish. Maybe I am wanting too much me time. Is that so bad to ask when all I do is stay home day after day after day????? I figured once or twice a month I would get to do something ALONE, but the forecast is saying... "It's going to be dark and cloudy all year... Sit your ass home".....

I would like to scream bloody fucking murder.......

Random

2008-10-29T08:16:00.003-06:00

I still dont have a costume for fatty. So totally last minute. LoL. I wanted her to be the monkey, but I forgot I had bid on it on ebay a while ago, then saw I got out bid, then it ended. Yeah. Way to go me. All good. If all else fails, I can throw her in Arianna's lady bug costume from last year. Maybe that's what Ill do anyway.

The job hunt is on. We decided the post office wasnt going to work for me since their hours are really strict, and being that Tim goes out of town once a month for sometimes a week at a time, I need something more flexible. I called Aunt Pat. Whew. She had a spot for the girls. Yesssss... Yeah daycare expenses are going to kick my ass, but if I dont make less than $13 we can do it. I tried the stay at home thing. I dont like it. Not for me for sure. I like going to work, I like making money, I like helping out my lil family, I like money. Who doesnt though? Besides, I need to do what is best for my little family, and working is what I want to do.

I havent done any of my lia sophia shows lately. I took a little break. I think Ill find someone to do one for me so I can have one soon. I like the extra little money that brings in. I think with this one, ill have to take my time.

Off to put nana girl in tub. Until next time......

This is me... Now.....

2008-10-18T11:44:00.003-06:00

Life has been really good this last past week, and I see it just getting better. Tim and I are on a whole other level, and I love it. We BOTH have accepted what we BOTH need to change and are working on it. Life is good. =) I love it. No more heartache, no more sadness, no more being angry. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.

Tomorrow is Cassidie's baby shower. Im totally excited for it because I get to get rid of Kamari's old clothes, and I love how pretty it will be! YAY!!! I hope I can find something super fabulous to wear.... hehehehehehe.....

Kamari is so FAT. No really. Way FAT!! I love it though. She is going to be my super talker... Just like her mama. All good. At least I can accept it.

Nana girl has quite the personality!!! Yesterday her dad kept trying to get her actually say please instead of sign it. Oh man! Her response to him since she totally didnt want to do it was "bottle"... Hahahahahaha... "bottle" started because Jeff and Tim thought it would be hilarious to just tell her everything was a bottle. Since she is in her "what's that?" stage, and loves to ask it all day long, they started to tell her bottle for everything cause they think its so cute how she says it. Well, there you go. Make her do something you want, and her response is bottle... LMAO

Braeden is doing well in school. He has almost figured out how to write his entire name down. Gotta love it. He loves to learn which I am so glad. I hope he'll never lose that. Ever.

That's my life in a nutshell as of today. I love it.

Dear Diary.. Part 2

2008-10-14T13:23:00.004-06:00

Where do I begin? Well, let's see. So things have been getting worse between Tim and I. So bad to where he left Saturday night to hang out with his cousin Nick, and didn't come home until 630a.m. Which pissed me all the hell off considering, even if we were deciding it was going to be over, that this was unacceptable. Not him hanging out with Nick, but coming home at 630 in the morning. It lead to me going through his phone and noticing his messages had been erased. Strange, I thought. I checked his log, calls, messages, etc. I found a number I have never seen before. I called, and to my surprise was a woman's voice. At first I was floored, then couldn't believe it, so I called again. Yup, it was a woman alright. In my rage, I started yelling at him, accusing him, throwing things, telling him he was an asshole... (sister in the other room, and kids starting to wake up)....I was livid. (Sister ended up leaving) I played it for him and he laughed saying that I'm stupid considering it was his cousins girlfriend. Liar, I thought. Well, story shortened, it was his cousins girlfriend, because I, myself, talked to her, and his cousin. Wow. I thought. I feel like shit. Needless to say, if you think your spouse is cheating, have hard actual proof. Not just a random phone number. Anyway, it lead to both of us just calling it quits. I couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't do it anymore. I don't believe in trying to make a marriage work based on children. So that was that. I got the kids ready, piled them into the car, then left and met up with Laina, Alex, and Walter at McDonald's. This whole time I was coming to terms with it. In my head I was convinced it was over, and I thought in my heart it really truly was. I kept saying to myself, "Well, you really wont work. We are just two different people wanting two completely different things. We don't laugh anymore, we don't have fun together, we don't make time for each other, so this is it. Bottom line, I just want him to be happy, and I don't want this divorce to be bitter. It would be too unhealthy for the kids, and I cant live with anymore hate. I hate enough people." Laina and I left to go find my son a winter coat considering he has outgrown all of them. I tried finding different ways to not think about it or to not deal with the reality of what my life is to come. I thought to myself how do you get this bad. Reality check on myself. I realized at that moment, that I have taken all of my life's experiences, and turned into a negative person, instead of taking them and turning my life into a positive experience. Of course I started to just nit pick all the BAD things he has done to me, but I started to remember all the GREAT things he has done for me. It put my feelings into perspective that's for sure. I started to remember all the fun times we had, all the times that he was a sweetheart, all the really sweet stuff he used to buy me, and do for me, and all the sweet things he still does for me, that I mistakenly have taken as "having to do it" instead of "wanting to do it". I'm really good at making him out to be the bad guy, because it's easier to blame him than to take responsibility for my own part. Now no, he is not an angel, but neither am I. A relationship is not 50/50. It is 100/100. (Moms famous sayings) I give you my all, and you give me your all. I was so caught up in being pissed at him for all the little things he wasn't doing for me, but I cant honestly tell you that I was doing the same for him. I was pissed cause he wasn't showing me attention, or making an effort to plan our date nights, but honestly, neither was I. I expected him to give me 100, and I was only going to give him 50. Very hypocritical of me. So as I'm struggling to accept the fact that I have some serious personal issues, I get a text message from him. His exact words, "so what do we have to do to make this work?"...... I was floored... What? i thought we were done, I thought we couldn't do it. I'm not going to lie, there was a part of me that told me we can get through this. 9 years. Why let this get us down now? I texted him back and said, well, we need to write down everything we want, don't want. Good, bad, and ugly. He said, "OK, but no more fights like that anymore". I agreed. So here we are, really actually working it out. Efforts on both of our ends. We talked last night on the way to his moms house, and we both feel that this time is different, and the weight has been lifted off of our shoulders. It feels a lot better. I just have to change my negativity, and look for a happier result for myself. He told me he has things he has to change about himself too. It's nice to hear that he doesn't think he's perfect. There is a fine line between negativity and reality, and I have to find that balance. Anyway, i feel a lot better now that i have written it all down. Until next time....

Dear Diary,

2008-10-09T18:11:00.002-06:00

Everything has been crazy. Like dysfunctional crazy. I love that word cant you tell? My world is off because of everything. Tim and I have been trying this new "Marriage Fitness" thing. I like it because it's a different approach to the normal "counseling" life. At first, I didnt like it because with him, I like to face the issue head on, unlike the rest of my issues that I like to sweep so hastily under the rug. I'd rather scream, shout, and sometimes throw things (not at him) if it meant that we were going to go to bed that night and I was going to feel fine. He on the other hand, likes to sleep it off, let me calm down, and then try to discuss the events that tossed me into the frenzy I was in, when we wake up. If you know me, you know that I, am not in any way shape or form, patient. Why are we even looking for "counseling"? Because in all honesty, it's our last resort. We have not been on the same page, or universe for that matter for quite a while now, but we continue to live this "happy go lucky" family life. We are constantly fighting, not spending time, not caring if the other person is there. You know, the basics of a marriage going down hill, and fast. We still love each other, and want it to work, so this is where we are. Although we did decide if by the end of our 6 month lease, if it doesnt work, then we will go our separate ways. So in the mean while of my dysfunctional life, my nephew is now in the pen. Strange how he is my strength. I just got a letter today from him telling me I need to be strong and pull myself together and to stop taking my happy pills. LOL. Poko told me the same thing today, although, she thought I would go phsyco and go on a killing spree. No. Im so not that crazy dysfunctional. Yes, my life is really really nuts, but not like that nuts. Geese. I still do have some sanity. Anyway, back to where I was going with that. Reading his letter made me realize how selfish I was being. I was busy telling him all of my issues, and relying on him to continue to be my strength. Dude. As if he himself wasn't going through a whole ordeal on his own. Dah. I need to pull myself together and be strong for him. Geese. Sometimes I need to take myself out of the situation and look at the whole entire picture. I feel even worse now. My next letter will be a lot better. Good Lord. Eh. My head hurts now. Off to write the letter that will be better. Stay tuned......

Randomness of me....

2008-10-06T16:09:00.002-06:00

Today I feel a little bit better. The pain still remains, but it's all good. It's good to deal head on with things then to shove them under the rug. Still a little sensitive, still cry, but at least it's getting better. I might keep trying this deal with it head on stuff. LoL. Im picking up the pieces and putting them back together slowly. I have got to gain my strength back. LoL. I guess that's what happens when you just fall apart. LoL. All good though right? We all do at one time or the other. It's a good start and that's all that matters.....

Untitled....

2008-10-04T18:01:00.003-06:00

Everything is off. I feel like my life is at a stand still right now. Mom kept telling me to stop crying he's going to be ok... She said, "you already expected that".... I know... I did... But the reality of it is too surreal for me right now. I popped my happy pills last night, and it temporarily took the pain away... I need to pull myself together, but right now, Im not sure I know how. Everything around me is falling apart too, and honestly, I have no idea to keep it together right now. I smile, I laugh, but yet my heartaches even worse now. I tried ignoring my feelings and just tried sweeping it all under the rug like im used too, but for some reason I just cant. It's weird cause as one thing started falling apart, it's like I crumbled, and am trying to find the pieces and piece them back together.... Amazing how much of an impact this kid has on my life... Some may see it differently, or view it otherwise, but it's ok. Him and I know how close we are and that's all that matters. Ill get stronger, and keep going, but for right now, I just want to cry, and be hurt. If I deal with it now, there will be no need to be sad later....

Today....

2008-10-03T17:30:00.002-06:00

So im just getting back from Biu's sentancing. Shit. My heart hearts like hell. If this is what it if feels like to deal with important things in your life, then no wonder I love shoving shit under the rug. I HATE seeing him in cuffs. I HATE not being able to call him and tell him come over. I HATE not being able to use Nana girl to bribe him to come home. I HATE the fact that I dont have my support there. I mean he's still there. But not physically. Fuck his namesake. I hate that guy. Im not in any way excusing what happened. I just know how much my heart hurts like hell right now, and let me tell you how much that fucking sucks. I just wanted to run up to him today and give him a huge hug. Nana girl still knows who he is. I hope he heard her make noise. She said "mommy, a boo".... she still remembers.... He was worried she wouldn't remember, now I have to wait to tell him she does. I really hope she remembers. Stupid reggae songs. Stupid songs remind me of him. I can hear him sing in my head. Shit. This shit hurts like hell. I cant keep my shit together. Im broken. Completely broken.

There is a light......

2008-10-02T17:26:00.005-06:00

I have realized that I come on my blog and usually am venting about my dysfunctional life.... But today... Today, I just want to talk about all the good stuff that has been happening...

We went to the Halloween store Saturday looking for costumes for the little ones, and behold, we found optimus prime... Mind you... That effing thing was $35 everywhere else.. and I lucked out and it was only $20. I love the fact that I just saved $15 bucks on it. =) We found this super cute pirate outfit for nana girl. Oh man, they will be adorable AGAIN this year. Im still looking for Kamari a cute little warm one. Maybe Ill find a way cute monkey... LoL...

I heard from my friend Mike today.... Mike is a girl... FYI... She knew something was up, so she texted to just say she was there for me and was completely genuine... Amazing. Good friends like that dont come around too often. She's awesome.. Thanks for that dear. You rock...

Braeden's teacher told me the other day that he was advanced for a 4 year old. That was freakin awesome considering we barely ever sat down and went over stuff with him. I know the fam has been helping him here and there. All in all, im a very proud momma.

Elizabeth is graduating next month. Im so glad. She needed a good change in her life, and she is there. Im proud of her and am so glad she found a happy place in her crazy life.

Arianna is in her "what's that?" stage. It can be annoying, but she is so curious for a 1 year old, and always wants to know. I LOVE that she tries to copy what you say. She saw a picture of Biu today, and immediately said "BOO". Awwww... Im so glad she knows who he is. His heart would melt. LoL.

Kamari started smiling and making a noise that sounds like a laugh lately. I love it. She is HUGE. OMG. Her 3-6 month clothes are getting to not fit. =( She is only 2 months old!!! LoL. At least I know she is healthy. LoL. She always likes to hang out with the rest of us, and is such a good sleeper at night!! I totally lucked out with all 3 of them being that way.

Lilly and I started out survey war again. I love it. For some crazy reason, it actually gives me some sort of sanity... If that makes any sense... LMAO

My sissy and I were online looking at Torrid's website last night. Oh man. It was funny. They have way cute stuff, and then... Wow... They had super hooker stuff... We could not fathom the idea of some of us big women wearing some of the crazy hookery stuff they have... LMAO... Props to the girls that are comfortable... LMAO

It was good to write down all the good stuff so far... I love it...

Melting Down

2008-10-01T11:30:00.001-06:00

All week so far, I have been uneasy, dreading Friday. Friday is Biu's sentancing. Today I feel like I need to actually talk about it, in my own words and feelings, since I have tried to push it all away. I cant even begin to tell you how much I love that kid. There are no words in this world that could ever truly explain how I feel. Im sitting here trying to fight back my tears, and feelings on this whole ordeal. It is easier for me to "sweep under the rug" my serious issues, and not deal with them. There has only been 2 huge things in my life that I still dont know how to deal with, Grandma Archie dying last year, and now Biu's case. I have never let anyone in that close to me to have to deal with anything that like, so in a lot of ways, I have learned to block out my real emotions and continued with my day to day life. Maybe it's from all the heartache from the people who arent supposed to hurt you. I have become extremely cold hearted to alot of people and have kept that ones that mean something to me really close. I have so many emotions flowing through me that I dont even know what to do anymore. Here I go......

Grandma,
I miss you so much. I am so sorry for all the times that we could have just came to see you. I love you for everything you have done for me and still continue to do for me while you in heaven. Save me a spot. Give Robbie a big hug for me, and tell him im sorry for not getting to know him better or not being closer with him. There's not a day that goes by that I dont think of you, and hope that you arent dissapointed with me and some of the decisions I make. I cant express how much I love you. I love you and Grandpa for always loving me and always sticking up for me, and always believing in me. I love you so much. I wish you were here. I know that you're with us everyday and watch over us, but I wish I could hug you one last time, and tell you that I love you one last time... You will always be a huge part of my life... I dont know what secrets you and Arianna had that day, but I hope that she will never forget you. I love you always.....

To my Boo....
I love you kid. I know you cant read this, but it's ok. Maybe I can cut and paste later.... LoL... You have no idea how much joy you have brought into my life. I love you with everything in me kid. We didnt spend much time together when you were out, but we both new that no matter what, we would always be there for each other. I dont know what happened that night, or why you decided it was going to be that way, but my heartaches since I cant see you everyday now. I dont know how to feel about Friday. Im uneasy, im sad, im confused. I know you tell me that we cant look into the past, and we need to move forward into the future, but I feel like I need to say everything I havent so I can do just that. If you havent figured out by now, yes, im melting down. Things are definately not the same without you. Our family is way different. Yes, we go day to day, but it's still different. I went to the Olive Reunion a couple of times that weekend, and it wasnt the same. I kept looking for you to just pop up and say something funny or come play with nana girl. My heart broke. Everytime something like that comes up, memories come up. When I do something stupid, in my head I can hear you say, "youre a moron", "youre retarded", or if I make something you think is ugly, you say "ew that's ugly", or "what he hell is that?"... LoL... Those are the times that I laugh to myself. You'll never know how much of an impact you have on my life. I love you so much kid. No one will ever know that loss that I feel.

There... I said it... I said everything that I needed to say. For some of you reading this, you may be thinking "that's all?"... If you knew my relationship with him, you would know why.

My life as a whole lately has been definately dysfunctional. If you have ever walked a day in my shoes, you would love the life you live now. LoL....

3's.... I guess im it....

2008-09-30T18:23:00.000-06:00

Tag of threes

3 joys
*My babies.... I love my 3 little ones.. Even if nana now knows how to say "bia-bia", Kamari belching just like her mama, and Braeden always getting frustrated with his transformers.....
*My hubby..... For helping me create 3 of the most beautiful babies..... and for a long list of other things that he already knows....
*Google....When in doubt... Google..... LMAO

3 fears
*Not being able to see my kids grow up and get married......
*Falling out of a plane....or off a cliff... or falling out of or off of anything high that is.....Im deathly afraid of heights.....
*Not being able to provide for my kiddos......

3 obsessions/collections
*Myspace Surveys Lately... Lilly... This is your fault.....
*Ooh ooh... Keeping my laundry all done... Curtousy of Laina... LoL..
*Checking my email, myspace......every half an hour... Sad I know.....

3 surprising facts
*I love to make cards/invites etc... Yes... I know... Shut Up...
*I still dont have a job... Those of you who know my know why this is surprising....
*For once I have not yelled at any of my kids in the last hour and a half... Nice... LMAO

And..... Im good.....

2008-09-21T15:11:00.000-06:00

Whew.... That was a good yelling session on my last entry.... LOL... I have just uploaded pictures from that fabulous 40th birthday party from Saturday on my myspace page.... Hehehehehe.... Well before I puked anyway.... LMAO.. I will NOT be posting those pictures.... Hahahahahaha.... It was a damn good night. We had fun. Lots and lots of fun.

For the love of God......

2008-09-18T19:15:00.000-06:00

Irritation..... Irritation.... Irritation.... Really.... If I havent said it enough.... IRRITATION.....

Ok... So shit's be on the rocks for a while. Why??? Cause Im supposed to be be super fucking woman. That's why. Im supposed to be picture perfect wife, who has the house cleaned 24/7, laundry done 24/7, dinner cooked 24/7, blah blah blah blah blah.... Whatever the hell those perfect stay at home moms do. I am not that. I am the work for you money woman. I am the woman who doesnt... Wait... Who CANNOT stand a man who has the attitude of "Im the man, Im the provider, you do everything else"..... FUCK THAT BULL SHIT..... Clearly he doesnt realize how I am. Clearly he doesnt see my evil unravelling slowly.... Clearly I just might go back to my old ways and start hitting people and not thinking about anything else.... Clearly I am in a bad mood today.

Anyway, What is up with the stupid refugee downstairs who thinks this is his fucking kingdom???? It was 3:00PM.... IN THE AFTERNOON.... and he has the audacity to tell his son to come ask me to keep the noise down because he is trying to sleep... HEY JACK ASS... THIS IS FUCKING AMERICA, and QUITE FRANKLY, IT IS IN THE AFTERNOON, NOT EARLY IN THE MORNING SO YOU SHOULD GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP AND GO FIND A JOB LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD AND QUIT YOUR BITCHIN. IF YOU DONT LIKE IT, GO BACK TO WHERE EVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU CAME FROM.

What is up with the retarded kid and his mother upstairs???? Seriously.... I would like to throw both of them off the balcony... You have no idea. Just looking at them irritates the shit out of me. Did I ever mention how much I HATE it here????? Ok... I FUCKING HATE IT HERE.....

I would like to either.... A) HIT SOMEONE IN THE DAMN FACE.... B) Drink a bottle of some sort of alcohol... and C) TAKE MY FUCKING HAPPY PILLS SO THE REST OF THE WORLD CAN GO AWAY.....

Today... Is just not a good day.....

Alright..Alright...Alright....

2008-09-17T13:10:00.001-06:00

So my life has been crazy lately. Literally. We moved into our new place that I so dont love. I have done a ton of thinking about everything and well.... here is everything going through my mind... All of it... All in a nutshell.....

We gave Jack away. Jack my pure breed german shepard that we loved dearly. Tim and I suck at being a good dog owner. Dont get me wrong...He was well fed. That's for sure. We just suck at giving him the time and attention he needs as a puppy. So what if he is only 5? I call him a puppy. I love you Jack. I hope your new owners will take good care of you like I wish we could have.

I had planned Scotty boy's 40th birthday bash at the 5 monkeys. Man was that the best effing time ever. I got so shit faced, i puked. All over the bathroom, and all over myself. Winner. I know. Oh well. It was a good night. I was still drunk the next day until noon. His cake what the shit!!! Jay's wife made it for me. Oh man it was a beauty. All in all, Scott had an amazing time, and so did everyone else. It was a blast for sure. Next party... Stacy's..... Cant wait for that....

My sis and her lil fam have been staying with us for the last week. It is hilarious. We laugh every day, talk shit (speak truth), and my kids are fed a million times a day. LMAO. She got my kids on a schedule of waking up hella early because they figure she will feed them. Hahahahahaha.... So early birds it has been. LMAO. It's nice to have the help though. Her and Alex keep my house clean non stop which is a effing fabulous thing for me to get used to. Hahahahahahaha... I even did all my laundry in one day.... See... It's working already... I dont know what i'd do without her.... ever.....

I have been doing alot of soul searching in the last while too. My life as I know it is really dysfunctional. Really. I have parents who greed over powers everything. Everything I mean, like, relationships with their very own children, relationships with their very own grandchildren, and relationships with people. They live this "Ill only scratch your back, unless I know later at some time, you will indefinately scratch mine". Why???? Why does it have to be that way?? Why cant we have parents who nothing in this world mean anything to them but their children or their grandchildren. Unfortunately, I wasnt blessed with that. Nope. Well, Laina and I werent blessed with that. My sister has had the shit end of the stick with them from the beginning. They always did treat her different even if everyone says other wise. Of course they would. They werent being treated like she was. My grandparents raised her, and at 11 she went back to live with our parents. Needless to say, if it werent for all of the things that she endured while living with them, she wouldnt be a strong woman today. Growing up I never understood why my parents treated her different. I always knew they did, but I covered my eyes to not see what was really going on. Throughout my life, it has always been her fault. No kidding. She was to blame for my parents not seeing her kids, she was to blame for everything that went sour with them. She was to blame for all of it. In the last two years, I finally took the cover off of my eyes, and realized how shitty they really are. Yes I talked to them again and kept telling myself "they are your parents"... Well it wasnt until the recent incident that I finally had enough. So much to where I have shut off all emotion I have for them in every sense. If Polita called today, and told me they died, I would feel the same way I do about every other funeral, absolutely nothing. Sad that it had to come to this, but it is what it is. I lost my love for them the day that he told me that he didnt care about my kids. I was supposed to think about my sister and her kids, and my brother. Forget the fact that I have a family of my own. I dont know why anyone would assume that I would put them before my children. That was the breaking point for me. It was that day that I realized that I was being thrown out of "thier realm" because I chose my kids, my husband, and my own life instead of them. Im glad I was. I dont care about how anyone feels about me, or how I am, or how I live my life, but to tell me that you dont care about my kids, when you are supposed to be the people who love them as much as I do, that in itself is enough to make me stop caring for you. So I went about my merry way. Months went by. I was ok, but there came the guilt of not talking to your parents once again. So I did what I thought at that time was good. For a little bit it seemed like I was slowing getting over it all, and trying to move passed it, but I wasnt making an effort this time. Nope. And I didnt. Then the house needed to be sold because they wanted the money to live off of and they could travel. That was the plan I thought. They took off to Texas for 7 months and left it up to my brother to get it done. Of course, that didnt happen so I did it. I spoke to the agent that my parents had, whom had the house overpriced for 3 months straight. Well, I was trying to get out of it being that Tim and I were wanting to do things for our own family. I spent the weekend painting with the help of Polita and her family and of course Laina and her kids were there to help me too. I found a different agent, and was told what I needed to do to get it to the correct asking price. Mind you, I am being barked orders from Tupu whom was supposed to "take care of it" in the first place. Not the person who should be talking considering the situation. Anyway, as everything is going ok, all of a sudden, I am being told that "I dont know why she's trying to sell the house this quick, she'll probably just take the money and run"..... WTF???? What??? This is after me telling EVERYONE that I DO NOT want the money, I just want my name off the stupid thing. Not to mention all the promises that they made to the other siblings about "getting a part to help their families". Of course everyone but Laina got offered. Being drowned in debt over our heads and not being able to be in control, our only last option was to file. Tim and I decided to just take the house down since I was already being accused of "running off with the money". So we did. That led to the wonderful conversation of my dad telling me that "I am playing with his life, and I was going to see what was coming to me, and the whole spill about my kids not meaning anything". Now with all of this going on, guess who gets the blame for it all? Laina. Why??? Because they dont think I have a brain of my own, and that I speak for myself and I am the way I am, because of the shit that they put me through. No matter how many times she had to keep reminding them to keep her out of it, they brought her into it all the time. Maybe my grandparents treated her a ton better than my mom. Maybe that's why there is so much anger. Who knows the real reason. Anyway, I really wish they will stop one day and look back on thier lives and realize that materialist things are not what makes a bond between a child and a parent. I wouldnt be strong to day if you didnt screw me over, so I guess in a way I should thank you for that. Out of all of the kids, I know I will always have Laina and her family by my side, and honestly, Im perfectly content with that. At least my kids have a relationship with her and her family, and if I lived in Texas, they would have Aunty Anne and her whole family too. =) Im perfectly content with that.

My whole life I have been searching for my meaning, and you know what??? At this point, Im starting to see my path, and all the people I know will always be there. I love all of you for that.....

SIGH

2008-09-07T13:26:00.000-06:00

We are all moved in now. It didnt take very long, which is awesome. Im just not sure if I love it. It's brand new, and we are the first to live in it, but it just doesnt feel like home. Given the circumstances, I guess we have to make do with what we have. We realized the first night that we live right next to the train tracks and let me tell you how loud that is. It will do until next year I guess. We did only sign a 6 month lease, so maybe, just maybe, if we can find something that isnt an apartment, we can move. Anyway, until next time.....

Tired.....So Tired.....

2008-08-28T23:49:00.000-06:00

Im done. Im too tired. No more fight.

Is there a point???

Was there ever a point???

Did I just waste a ton of time????

I dont think I have it in me anymore.

Eh. This is what happens when you let people in your fucking life that you give your everything too and end up with nothing. Maybe I shouldn't have expected anything in return. That is where my fault lies.

I will not let anyone in anymore. Im done. Dont need the pain, heartache, or fucking never ending headaches. No more.

25 years of heartaches, pain, discovery, falling, strength, blaming, accepting, and I kept going.

Now I feel like I have no more fight in me. Emotionally im fucked. There is no help there.
Never will be. Too much time and energy put into something, and when you figure out they arent really there for you like you thought, its something that can turn your world upside down so quick that you still feel like shit later.....

I cant begin to tell you how much my world has crumbled, and I built it so many fucking times it's ridiculous. I lived, I learned, and moved on. I just dont know how much I have left. Wait.

No. I dont have any fight left.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

2008-08-27T00:37:00.000-06:00

Oh man. It is so late. I am tired. We are almost done packing. Woo Woo. Except, I have all day Thursday and Friday to clean, clean, clean. At this point I think I'd rather do that. Our last couple of days have been staying up late packing and getting rid of a ton of stuff. Im beat. Not to mention I have been drugged up on Sudafed yesterday and today cause im sick too. =( First it was Braeden, then it is Nana, she's almost done being sick, but now im sick. It sucks. I hate hate hate being sick. It's annoying. Im a sudafed junkie and a germ-x freak when I get sick. Even worse now since Kamari is only a month old. Man does time pass by fast or what??? It's crazy. Soon i'll be planning her first birthday. Wow. I seriously cant wait until we move. Really. It's going to be a relief. When im done unpacking, I want to sleep for a week. LoL. If only that could really happen. I cant believe it's already the end of the week. I lost my train of thought just now...... Damn.... I am tired..... Oh! that's right. So we are still waiting for the leasing manager to get back with us. Ugh. We are only waiting for one more thing that needs to be approved, and she was supposed to call us today, but hasnt. She hasnt been the best at communicating. I really just dont want her to call me Friday and tell me we cant move in. I will be absolutely livid. If you know me, you know how bad that can get. So I keep pestering her, and I know she's irritated, but maybe if she could just call me and keep me posted it would be a bonus. Especially since we have to move out of here by the 31st, which is in 5 days. Lets hope we dont get any surprises. I dont want any sudden surprises. It will get ugly if that happens. Anyway, life has been good. Completely busy, but good. It really is tiring to try and do everything during the day when you have 3 kids. It's nuts. Let me tell ya. It's a huge reality that's for sure. But I do love it. I enjoy the sleeping in until 10. It's a bad habit my kids have now. I have got to get them up earlier. LoL. That would mean I would have to get up earlier, and I think I will enjoy the sleeping in late a little longer before I whip out the get out of bed early card for me and the kids. I am so lucky that they wake up late like me. LOL. My house would be in complete shambles if they woke up before I did. Anyway, off to drug myself with sudafed and wake up late tomorrow. Hahahahahahahahahahaha

SURVEY SAYS.....

2008-08-18T16:04:00.000-06:00

What is the middle name of the first person you ever slept with?
Levi

What kind of underwear are you wearing and what color?
Wouldn't you like to know...

What is the song you want played at your funeral?
Good question... Something on the lines of dancing your ass off....

What would your last meal be before getting executed?
Something super yummy....

Beatles or Stones?
None

If you had to pick one person on earth who should die, who would it be?
Dont care enough about someone to wish death on them....

The person whose problems you would never want to hear again?
I have a list.... LMAO

What is the thing most important to you (as far as physical) about the preferred sex?
Nose... I know im weird... But if I cant get passed your nose, your screwed.... LMAO

If you could have any super power what would it be?
Hmmm.... I have to think about this one.....

Favorite hangover cure?
IB Profen 800, lots of water, and tons of sleep

How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
Depends on how strong they are....

Hair color you most like someone you're dating to have?
Natural

If you had to be blind or deaf?
I wouldnt want to be either....

Do you have any psychiatric problems?
Hahahahahahaha... Dont we all!

Siblings that should go to rehab?
Oh sure have one of those....

Least favorite month?
Any month that snows....

First movie you can remember seeing as a kid?
Beauty and the Beast

Favorite person in the whole world?
Myself.... LMAO.... Just kidding... My kiddies....and then timmy.... LoL

Whens the last time you went on a date?
Ummm..... Not sure... Sad

Do you like violent movies or dirty movies?
How about violent, dirty movies! WOO WOO!!

Fall or spring?
In between Spring and Summer.....

If you are straight, what person of the same sex would you do it with?
Angelina Jolie... She's effin sexy

Where do you want to live when you are old and brittle?
In my mansion saying Fuck the world..... LMAO....

Who is the person you can count on most?
Timmy.....

If you could date any celebrity past or present, time and age are not factors?
Vin Diesel... Mmmmm.... He's damn sexy....

What books have you pretended you've read?
No need to pretend... I dont read.... LoL

What's a word you would use to describe your life?
FABULOUS

What did you dream last night?
I didnt....

Favorite band?
Breaking Benjamins.... They are awesome...

Packing it Up

2008-08-18T11:41:00.001-06:00

I have to spend the next 2 weeks packing, moving and cleaning. It's a new start. I love new things! New place, new beginning. Leaving the old news behind me. Love it. We are going to have a house warming party when I finally get everything situated. =) It will be the best. Love it. Off to start packing I go. =) Yay. How exciting. lol

2008-08-18T10:34:00.000-06:00

MyNiceSpace.com

MyNiceSpace.com

FABULOUS

2008-08-17T19:32:00.000-06:00

Here we are at the end of the weekend! It's been fun for sure. Although my weekend started Thursday. Hahahahaha. Good times for sure! I sure as hell figured out that if I drink alot, but drink really slow, I get super drunk and I feel awesome the next morning, or if I drink 2 huge cups of coffee at 2:30 in the morning and two bottles of water when I find out I am now the designated driver, that I too feel awesome, but really really tired considering when I get home, my daughter decides to be wide awake and want to eat until 6am. Then I spend my day hanging out with the kids until Tim gets up from his drunken craze. At that point I fall asleep and not wake up until it's really late. LoL. Oh well. We had fun. It was well deserved and well needed. He finally got to get completely drunk and I mean drunk....Ok ok ok... More like drunken craze. But poor guy finally had a chance and im really glad he took it. I just wish I would have known by the end of the night, I was going to be the DD. Considering I drank the whole bottle of Parrot Bay pretty much myself. LMAO COMPLETELY. It was nice though. We got to hang out with my "white brother". Hahahahahahahaha. It's nice since I havent been able to have guy friends without Timmy blowing a hole. We are definately hanging out again. LoL. Anyway, it's been a super awesome weekend! Yay!

Ugh.....

2008-08-09T11:11:00.000-06:00

Emotions flowing
Unsettling feelings invade
Somethings not right

Life is good....

2008-08-08T09:25:00.000-06:00

Everything's good.... The kids are good, the hubby is good, and well, im fabulous as always. LMAO.... Im feeling pretty good since having the baby. Almost ready for my "big night out"... Lord knows I need one since I started this stay at home thing. I do miss working, but im getting used to this staying at home thing. Everything is looking good. We are looking for a place right now since our lease ends September 1st, and well, we need to upgrade with so many kids. LoL. I was stressing out really bad, which led to late night cleaning, racking my brain to figure out if everything will be ok. I prayed... Yes... I prayed, and no, the floor didnt fall from beneath me. LoL. I feel calm and collected today. Im leaving it up to him upstairs to guide my way. I feel good. I know something will work out, cause it always does. Life is good.
I had my lia sophia party last Friday, turned out well. =) I can do this. No problem. It's a nice reality when you see your checks in the bank. Im slowly figuring out what works for me. It's nice extra money! I made $75 an hour that night for four hours. Awesome. I just have to keep it going. =) I love it.
Life is too short to keep stressin on the little things. Live, Learn, and Move On. You only live once right? Why not be happy living it, and forget the drama and the bull.

LIFE IS GOOD.

Random Thoughts....

2008-07-30T16:15:00.000-06:00

Today my sis and I went to see a guy to send us in the right direction of our plan we have. Cant tell you what it is because it's new. Like my new baby, new. It will take us time to get everything together, but it WILL happen. We are driven and motivated. My sister is a "knowledge freak". If she wants to know something, she researches and researches and researches until she knows every in and out of it. I do the writing down and making it visible part. Together we have this crazy force of everything combined, and quite frankly, we can do wonders alone, but together we are unstoppable. We WILL be unstoppable. We dont mind the negativity we get. We decide for ourselves how people are, and know what we are capable of. I love it.

Im gonna go take a nap now..... LoL

Old.....

2008-07-25T12:41:00.001-06:00

I turned the big 25 on Tuesday. Wow. I didnt really think I would feel old, but I do. It's crazy. Yes im still young compared to alot of my friends and family, but geese. I didnt realize it would make me feel like this. LoL. Im not sad about it at all. I guess I just always thought I would be somewhere different right now. I guess we both did. LoL. But this is the life we chose, and dont get me wrong I love it. I just wish I was more accomplished by now. At least I will still have "time" to do what I need to do right??
Im a newely stay at home mom, and im adjusting. Its good for now since I have my good days where im totally active and moving around and being productive, but then I also have my days where I really cant do anything but sleep. Everyone keeps telling me to take it easy, but I go from always being active and always on the go, to now just chillin at home with the kids. So, its easier said than done when you're trying to go from one way to another. Its all good though. Im totally adjusting to it. =)

SHE'S HERE!!!

2008-07-15T18:58:00.000-06:00

At last... My beautiful baby girl graced us with her presence yesterday! YAY!!!! Ahhh... The joys of not being pregnant anymore. Gotta love it... 18 hours of labor, 10 minutes of pushing, no rips or tears... Damn.... That is record timing. Yes, I said 18 hours... And thats because hubby dearest had to go on assignment to Georgia Sunday morning, and then had his flight delay in Alabama for 4 hours, which by the time he landed in Georgia, he got the call to say I was going into labor. He then had to find a flight to come home which took forever just for the meer fact that the weather sucked so bad, and the flights were all delayed. Needless to say, my contractions werent consistant in any sense, but I was dilated to a 6 by that point, and 70% effaced so they did not let me go home, so the Dr said we will wait for hubby. LoL. He finally made it to me, but by then the Dr was in a C-Section, and we were told it would be another hour, so he came home, showered, ate, and then came back up to me. By then the Dr had 2 more deliveries so I was just waiting. I got my epidural, and then they popped my water, waited for a little bit, then gave me patocin to make my contractions regular, and then i was ready. The Dr came in, two contractions later, my darlin baby was born. Poko saw the entire thing... Yes... Vajayjay and all. LMAO... She has seen more of me in the last 3 days than she ever has in her entire lifetime... LMAO COMPLETELY... All good considering it traumatized her into not having any kids!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA.... Anyway ill be posting pictures shortly......

Blah....

2008-07-11T08:55:00.000-06:00

Well today is ok I guess. Happier note than I was on yesterday that's for sure. Im feeling really Blah today. Like I want to be laying in bed right now and not caring about a thing. It's not like that is that comfortable anyway. I sit here at work praying that when I go to see my doc today, that ill be super ripe and ready, and I can just pop this thing out. These last 2 weeks have been total complete hell. I have never been this uncomfortable with a baby before, which hopefully doesnt mean that im doomed with this child. LoL. We'll see.
Tim's leaving super bright and early sunday morning for Georgia. At least its only for a week. He'll come home in time for my birthday. =) Not that it really matters anyway, since I dont really care to celebrate my birthday anymore. LoL. I have Poko coming to spend the week with me while he's gone to help me out cause im sure ill need it. Can you believe we are going to have 3 kids? WoW. Never thought at 24 i'd have 3 kids. It's so crazy. At least we're still young with young kids. This is so nuts. The reality hasnt set all the way in yet, which when it does im sure ill be overwhelmed. At least they will keep me busy all the time. It's crazy that im going to do the stay at home mom thing for a little bit. Wow. Now that's gonna be one reality check that is crazy. Ill have to find things to keep me busy that's for sure. Story of my life. Anyway, that's my blah for now.....

Frustration...

2008-07-10T08:29:00.000-06:00

Ok so here's the low down.... Yes im still effing pregnant... STILL... "Not dilated enough, go home and come back when it gets worse, and relax", the arrogant effing asshole said... Mind you, after sticking his hand up my thing vigorously as if it werent effing sensitive enough...Stupid shit. I should've kicked you in the head. Why did I get a different dr anyway?? Geese.... Anyway, irritated beyond belief all day yesterday, Tim and I decide to go watch a movie. A) Because we hardly ever spend time alone B) Because I was too irritated to lay my happy ass down C) RELAX??? Are you kidding me?? My vagina feels like its going break, and now thanks to you Dr. dumb ass, i feel like im scraped and more uncomfortable then I was before seeing you. You should have just stabbed me. So we go and watch Wanted. Proper movie for the mood I was in... Havent heard about it? Google it. Angelina Jolie, Morgan Freeman are in it. Anyway, we go pick the kids up, and head over to Gpa and Gma's to feed the puppies. No they arent puppies, but that's what we call them. Tim and I attempt a walk around Liberty. Well, we made it a quarter of the way being that my effing Vajayjay hurt like hell from earlier.... And it got worse since I contracted 3 times during that short walk. Anyway, im not going back in until tomorrow to see MY OWN dr. I like her. Hopefully she'll induce me tomorrow. Ah... The joy and happiness that would be for me. Anyway, hopefully soon.....

Another Survey....

2008-07-09T12:41:00.000-06:00

1.Would you do meth if it was legalized? Hell no
2 Abortion: for or against? To each his own... Im against....
3. Do you believe in gay marriage? Why not? If they are happy, then leave them be!
4.Would OUR country fall with a woman president? WTF?? It's fallen apart with Bush, and he's a man..... Doesnt say much does it....
5. Do you agree with the death penalty? Depends on what they are dying for....
6. Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already? Dont care for it.
7. Do you believe in God? Sure do...
8. Do you think its wrong that so many Hispanics are moving to the USA? No, but I do think it should be done legally...
9. A 12 year old girl has a baby... should she keep it? I dont think so, but thats just me
10.Should the alcohol age be lowered to 18? Hell no. We already have crazy people drinking at 21, cant imagine what they would be like if it was legal at 18.
11.Should the war in Iraq be called off? OF COURSE IT SHOULD
12. Assisted suicide is illegal...do you agree? What the hell? Why would you want to help somone kill themself?
13. Do you believe in spanking your children? Sure do.
14. Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars? Sure, why not.
15. A mother is declared innocent after murdering her 5 children in a temporary insanity case...what do you think? She should fry. Why the hell do you have kids if you're just going to kill them???? No excuse....
16.Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers? Well personally, I dont give a shit what others think of me.... So judge me all you want, I dont give a shit....

One Worded Survey

2008-07-08T13:28:00.000-06:00

Only one word answers allowed and can't use the same word twice.
1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your significant other? Sexy
3. Your hair? Messy
4. Your mother? Nuts
5. Your father? Unhappy
6. Your favorite time of day? Sleeping
7. Your dream last night? None
8. Your favorite drink? Depends
9. Your dream goal? Distant
10. The room you're in? Work
11. Your ex? Gone
12. Your fear? Heights
13. Where do you want to be in six years? Happy
14. What you are not? Comfortable
15. Your favorite meal? Yummy
16. One of your wish list items? Home
17. The last thing you did? Starbucks
18. Where you grew up? Hawaii
19. What are you wearing? Comfy
20. Your tv is? Nice
21. Your pets? Fun
22. Your computer? Lightening
23. Your life? Fabulous
24. Your mood? Irritated
25. Missing someone? Yup
26. Your car? Hog
27. Something you're not wearing? Jewelry
28. Favorite store? For?
29. Your summer? HOT
30. Your favorite color? Hot Pink
31. When is the last time you laughed? Lunch
32. When is the last time you cried? Thursday
33. Your health? Pregnant
34. Your children? Beautiful
35. Your future? Exciting
36. Your beliefs? Lots
37. Young or old? Young
38. Your image? Confused
39. Your appearance? Lazy
40. Would you live your life over again, knowing what you know now? YES.....

The life....

2008-07-08T09:53:00.000-06:00

Yes... Still pregnant.... Still.... I was for sure I was gonna have it last night. Tim and I took our doggies out for a walk last night, and I contracted four times eleven minutes apart during. So I was so excited... Literally excited. I figured id go home, take a shower, lay down and let the contracting start. Noooooooo, that didnt happen at all!!! I layed down and passed out completely, which is a good thing anyway considering I only got an hour and half of sleep the night before because the pains were ridiculous. Woke up just fine. I mean, like no pain fine. Weird, I thought. I have come to the conclusion that Kamari is just so not ready to come out. It is only 37 weeks. I did have Arianna at 38, so maybe within this week? Ugh. I just want it to be over. Really....
So Tim is supposed to be going to Georgia for a week this Sunday. Im hoping I can have this baby before. If not, then that really sucks. At least it's only for a week this time. I really just dont want him to miss the birth. That would suck. He hasnt missed on yet. He's so cute when the baby is born. They always have bonding moments, and it's like he doesnt want to let the baby go. You should see him. It's so cute. I love watching him with the baby when they first come out. You see the most soft, sensitive side come out of him that you dont see very often. It's a huge turn on. LMFAO. Anyway, ill be sad if he cant be here for the birth. Duty calls, and that's the life you live as a military wife. Cant complain about it either, because thats the life we both chose again when he re-upped. It's all good though. Everything happens for a reason, and him and I have survived it all I swear. =) We can only go up from here. Gotta love it.

Ok... Really....

2008-07-07T09:09:00.000-06:00

Im so effing miserable right now. My nights are completely restless, and I hurt like hell, which in turn makes me onry as hell too. Im at work cause there was no baby this weekend, and everyone is asking me why I am here today. Obviously I wouldnt be if I had this thing, which I was so hoping it was going to be this weekend. It's not time yet. So now im just impatiently waiting, and waiting, and waiting. I feel like complete crap today and I feel like I should just be in bed right now. Ugh. Anywho, no lighter notes today, just gloomy ones.

Yeah... Still....

2008-07-06T20:15:00.000-06:00

Well, im still pregnant, and hurting like hell today. Spent the day having Braxton Hicks galore, and crazy crazy lower back pains from hell. Sucks completely. I want it to be over soon. Eh....
On a lighter note.... Ladies and Gents, I totally cooked dinner all by myself tonight. LoL. Yes, yes. I cooked dinner. I made homemade chicken strips. For those of you who know me, know that is a HUGE accomplishment! WOO WOO! I graduated from scrambled eggs, to homemade chicken strips. Yeeessss... Making Progress on being "domestic".... Hahahahahahaha....
Now if I can only have this baby. That would be even a bigger bonus. =)

And she sighs......

2008-07-05T21:36:00.000-06:00

I still havent had the baby. =( Been trying. Walking, pressure points, sex. All of the above. Not working. Eh. It's not time. I wish it would be. I am so freakin absolutely miserable. I HATE this 100 degree weather, because it makes me have a body temperature of 300 degrees! I can NOT STAND it anymore!! UUUUUgggggghhhhhh.... Buuuuuut..... On a brighter note, we are totally prepared for the little one now. LoL. Yes, all the clothes, car seat, etc. Everything. It's taken us almost the whole duration of the pregnancy to buy everything, but you know what? It is all good. Better safe than sorry I say. Besides, every things going up on KSL or Ebay when she gets too big for it all. LoL. I have been so freakin crazy moody.... Like unusual crazy moody... Not good for my lil familia.... Sad when the kids dont want to be around me....=(.... Im totally gonna have to make it up to them.
Our lease is almost up at here, and we are on a waiting list to get into the 3 bed/2 1/2 bath town home here. That's a bonus. The girlie's will share their room, which im going to a super super cute bohemian theme, and my son, being the "big boy" that he is, gets his own private room which i decided to do in Electric Blue, silver, and possibly red... We'll see how I feel after the baby. We are going to spend the next month and half packing up and cleaning our apt so we can move into the town home. That's going to be awesome, because I LOVE it here.
We have officially made our Family Chore Chart! Yay. Even Arianna has to learn how to clean. My super son learned how to vacuum ALL BY HIMSELF today! Niiiiice.... Now to get Arianna to figure out how to fix her bed. Yes, she's only one, but she's pretty good about picking up after herself when you tell her too, and totally wonderful at throwing EVERYTHING away (i.e. her dads remotes for both the surround sound, and his T.V.) Hahahahaha... And no you crazy freaks, it is not child labor. LMAO COMPLETELY..... Oh shit... dinner time.... Going to eat....
Until next time!! Woo Woo!

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTT

2008-07-01T19:19:00.000-06:00

So I just went to my appointment today.... Im already dilated to a 3 and am 50% effaced! WOO WOO!! That means this baby is coming soon, real soon! YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS.... FINALLY... How freakin exciting is that?! Im stoked for the mere fact that I wont have to be pregnant for very much longer in this horrible weather!! WOO WOO!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH.... The joys.... Every things good now. Every things looking up! Yesssssssss..... Gotta love the positive...... Cant wait....

Ok...Ok...Ok...

2008-06-29T22:58:00.001-06:00

Im done being angry now. "This too shall pass".... LMAO..... Im over it now that I have said my piece, so now im beginning on a new journey. A new life for me and my husband, and my kids. No more unwanted drama, and no more unwanted people in my life either. =) It's always for the better. Now we move forth, on a better foot, and just as Leki says "fuck the bullshit".... Gotta love it. I have learned to accept the fact that some people will never change their ways, and that I can not keep hoping that someday they will. I have said things, and done things, and hurt peoples feelings because of truthful things I have said, and now have realized that it was too much energy on my part spent. Wow. That's a huge thing to admit. Now I keep focused on my little family and my new unborn baby. I want to bring her into this world on a positive note, and no negativity, and no unwanted drama or people who will do nothing but bring misery. So, therefore, we (my fam and I) move on. Happy places, happy surroundings. Leaving the old, and bringing in the new. I feel good about it. It's due time. So here we go on our journey of the new life. It of course will not just be overnight, but the direction will be changed overnight. =) Gotta love it.

And I laugh....Histerically....

2008-06-29T13:55:00.000-06:00

I think it's so funny that I have the most fucked up family ever. LMAO COMPLETELY. According to them, I am the reason there is drama in my family. hahahahaha talk about no one taking responsibility for their actions. They find out that I know what they all have been saying, and now are running around like chickens with their heads cut off when I find out and lay it out on the table for them to read, and then try to they say IM the one just out of nowhere saying and starting drama. LMFAO COMPLETELY. Im so sick of this shit. Seriously. I admit to the fucked up things I do and have done, and yet no one else can. I think it's completely funny. I decided that today, I will start blaming everyone but myself for my issues. hahahahahahahaha... Yup... New life goal.... Blame everyone else. LMAO COMPLETELY.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

2008-06-29T10:29:00.000-06:00

To my parents:

I want you both to know that yes, I am so grateful that you brought me into this world. Right now, I dont want you to ever call me, or come by, or ask about me. You no longer exist to me. Harsh? Yes. But not nearly as bad as you two creating problems in our family. Dont know what im talking about??? Well, let me fill you in. Apparently my family across the world thinks that I lost your house because I am greedy. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????? I honestly believed that we were passed this point. Apparently not. You still honestly believe that I purposely took the house down because of MONEY??? If i havent said it quite clear enough for you two, then here it is in plain writing, so print it out, and put it in a frame where you can read DAILY. IF I WANTED THE DAMN MONEY, I WOULD HAVE SUFFERED MY KIDS LIVES TO SELL THE DAMN HOUSE AND WOULD HAVE LEGALLY TAKEN THE HALF THAT WAS ENTITLED TO ME SINCE I WAS THE CO-SIGNER, AND I WOULD HAVE SMILED AT YOU SIGNING MY CHECK. I NEVER WANTED THE DAMN MONEY, and because YOU TWO ARE THE ONES WHO ARE GREEDY, THAT'S WHAT YOU HONESTLY BELIEVED. Who do you think I am??? TUPU???? Sorry. Never will be, never want to be. Yes your dear adoring son that you two put so highly on a damn pedestal. You know what your problems are mom and dad??? You are so quick to blame everyone but yourselves for our family falling apart. What is sad, is you are never honest with what you say to any of us kids. You tell one of us one thing, and then the others something different, and then when shit goes down, like it always does, you two some how end up being the ones being "treated as animals". What gets me is every fucking day of my life that you told me that you didnt care about my kids dad, and that I was supposed to care about your stupid fucking loser son, and my poor sister and her kids that you live with, I have been trying to fight the feeling of leaving you and mom behind. Never in my life have I ever wished to be left alone by my parents. Yes, I was a hard head teenager, and drank, and got bad grades, and didnt graduate on time, and had my boyfriend sleep in my bedroom with me at night, but you know what??? I never did anything fucking evil to you two or anything that would have remotely caused this much separation in our family. You think people only do things to you, but never once did you two ever, ever, ever in your damn lives stop to consider the fact that it is YOUR ACTIONS that cause the drama within our family. What is so sad is that its like you feed off of making other people seem like they are so horrible, and that you two sit so highly on this throne in this world that you two created yourselves, and that you are so perfect. Sad when your own family members dont care for you and wash their hands of you. I am so sick of you two treating family the way you do, so from this day forth, stay away from me and my family. Ill explain to my kids when they are older why they dont know mommy's parents, and her brother. You think that "everything I have done to you" will come back, NEWSFLASH.... I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING THAT FUCKED UP TO YOU, but now I am wishing I have.
Have a nice life.

To TUPU:

So what if you're pissed off at me for writing my blog. Are you pissed because for whomever reads my blog, will find out the real you??? Are you pissed cause I exposed you for the asshole that you really are, and the user that you really are??? I hear you are looking for me to "beat me up". COME FIND ME. I have lived in the same place for 2 years now, and worked at the same place for 2 years now, it shouldnt be that hard for you to find me. I will have you know, the day you decide to step a foot anywhere near me, you better have said your good-byes because I will KILL YOU if you ever tried to lay a hand on me!! Dont believe me? COME FIND ME. You need to just accept the fact that you're a fucking waste of space in this world. You are dead to me. Always will be.

To my sis Polita:

Hi dear. I love you. I always will. Pull your head out of your ass. Your parents, and your brother are making your family suffer. You need to get away. You are too much of a loving person to deal with the daily bull shit. Im sure your husband is sick of it too. You guys need to live your lives for YOU and YOUR KIDS. Not mom and dad, and tupu. They are grown ass people, if they havent figured it out by now, then honey, it's not your responsibility to take care of them, but I understand you have a heart, and you wont do that because they are family. I have drawn the line of where my family ends. I figured I would write to you personally before your parents and tupu decide to feed you with other bull shit, and that way you hear it right from me. I love you always darling, and I hope you and your husband one day finally decide to just take care of your own family, and not anyone else. As for your kids, honey, they are YOUR kids. YOU DECIDE how to raise them. Who cares about anyone else? YOU HAD THEM, YOU TAKE CARE OF THEM TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY. I think you guys are wonderful parents. Yeah so what if the kids dont want to go to church??? That's not going to decide their future. Just keep on them about school, and whatever else YOU feel needs to be. DONT LET ANYONE ELSE TRY TO PARENT THEM. THEY ARE YOURS, and GOD PUT THEM HERE FOR YOU TO TAKE CARE OF. I love you.

To my sissy Laina:

"No she didnt" is probably what you're thinking right now. Hahahahaha... Yes, I did. I would have called them personally, but I have too much anger flowing through my blood. I believe I should be the one deemed of "ice flowing through my veins". LMAO. I love you for everything you do, and still do for me. Damn, this family thing is one huge roller coaster after another. We have been through too much shit with these guys to keep trying for a better relationship. Let it go. They wont change. In the end, you will always get blamed for it, because no one has come to terms with the fact that I have a mind of my own, and a mouth of my own. I lay things out there for them because at this point, someone has to tell them right? I dont want the bull shit, and you should never have to deal with it too. Let it go. Your parents died along time ago, and im sure to this day, they have probably rolled around in their graves so many times because of mom and dad, that they are probably digging themselves deeper. LMAO. We will see them in the next life. Fuck the bull shit right?? Give up trying to make things work with them. It will never change, you have been through it way too many times. Be content with your parents already dying. I wish in a ton of different ways that gpa and gma raised me. =) Im sure we would have had more love in our lives than we do now. LMAO... I love you sis. It will always be me and you till the end cause "we are the bad children".

Ugggghhhhh.......

2008-06-25T13:31:00.000-06:00

I feel so off today!!! Last night I was having super major crazy Braxton Hicks, and these buggers suck so bad!! Anyway, I spend my night laying down, and trying to forget the pain, and then eventually just passed out. This morning I woke up decently early and actually fixed my hair. LoL Nice. Anyway, I get to work, and I just feel so oddly bitter today. Dont understand it either. I think im just having a hard time with everything right now. More or less dreading the stay at home mom factor. Again, dont get me wrong, I love my children, I just have a hard time staying at home and my husband being the main provider. Does that sound ridiculous or what? Eh. But what do you do? Anyway, we gave up on our journey for that beautiful Magnum we want, and are just dealing with the doing the stuff for the new baby. =) Its always exciting to get new things for the new baby. =) Gotta love it that's for sure... But then I realized last night, that my son is in dire need of new summer clothing! All the stuff he has is completely pretty much all winter! Raaaaaaaaaaaaarrrr!! Im usually pretty good about that stuff and lately I have been so distracted!!!!! I need to pull it together that's for sure.
So apparently my brother read my blog sometime two weeks ago, and you know what??? I dont care. Im glad he finally read it. Someone had to put it out there in his face that he isnt as great as he makes himself seem. I understand that no one is perfect, and we all have faults, blah blah blah, but I dont treat people like shit, and I really dont make efforts to try and talk down other people. So what if im the bitch of the family?? Who cares?? I dont!! Just because I say things the way they are and dont sugar coat anything for anyone, im such a bad guy. I just dont care thats all. I have been through way to much to give a shit at this point. That's for sure.
Anyway, on a lighter note.... =D Wait. No lighter notes today. It's just too much of a oddly bitter day. Is that crazy or what coming from me?? LoL

Random Thoughts.....

2008-06-22T21:01:00.001-06:00

I just read the entire book called "Twelve Pillars" by Jim Rohn & Chris Widener.... Awesome book completely. You'd be amazed at how a small book like this one, would actually make me reflect on my life. I love it. It really made me think.

"You cannot change your destination overnight, but you can change your direction overnight"

"What are you going to change that will in turn change your life? If you keep on living like the way you are now, you will continue to produce the same life that you already have"

"Your best opportunities are those that align with your overall goals & should be what you spend your time on"

"The pain of dicipline or the pain of regret? The difference is dicipline weighs ounces, while regret weighs tons"

These were just a few of the quotes that I loved from this book. If you havent read it yet, you should. It will take you about an hour. =) Well it did for me anyway......

DUN DUN DUN......

2008-06-19T16:35:00.000-06:00

Life as I know it will end here for me at BHB..... Well, when I leave for the baby that is..... LMAO...... All good. It was a crazy experience and I have truly learned alot. I get to walk away with friends though, and that to me is freakin awesome! Will I miss it??? Of course... Only the select few though. LMAO... To new beginnings....... Ah... Shit.. Who am I kidding??? Anyone up for the bar after I have the baby????? LMFAO COMPLETELY.......

=)

2008-06-19T14:07:00.001-06:00

My cousin's wedding is in two days. Shitty, cause I cant be there. =( On a brighter note, im going to see my nephew today. That's always a bonus.
No word on my venture to find a Magnum. I think im just going to let it go. Oh well, if I wasn't meant to have one, then I wont. Although, if we dont end up getting it, then I save money. hahahahahahahahaha.... So that's always a better way to look at it. There's always a positive way to look at things right??? So they say..... LoL.....
I have my lia sophia unit meeting tonight. That's always a plus. I did get my $200 gift certificate for hitting my $1500 goal within my first five weeks. =) That's a huge bonus. Our new catalog drops next month. Cant wait for the new fun stuff.
This pregnancy is driving me nuts. I am so ready. Seriously. I am so glad im getting the IUD afterwards cause, Im done having kids right now. 24 with 3 kids. That's crazy. I never would have ever thought that would be!!! Have I said I wasnt all the way prepared???? Yeah... Im not all the way prepared. I suck with this one. I guess after having the first two, you just lose the crazy O.C.D part where you have to have everything 5 months before. I have saved my daughters stuff for when she's older, but being that I thought I wasnt going to have anymore after Arianna, I ebayed all of her 0-3 month stuff. I kicked myself in the ass for that one. I went through this list that tells you what you in the first 3 months in the baby magazine last night, and I decided that they are not always right when they say you "need" certain things. Like, you dont need a high chair for your newborn, nor your 3 month old. That was retarded. My boss gave me a bunch of girlie stuff. That was awesome. =) Gotta love it. I wish I could just have a money tree in my back yard that I could pluck just to have baby funds. LMAO... Yeah.... Still dreaming for that one....
Anyway, i totally lost all train of thought so until next time........

Another Day In My Life....

2008-06-16T22:13:00.000-06:00

So we just got home from the dealer today. I was supposed to be getting a Dodge Magnum today, but yeah... The finance lady calls and tells me while im on my way up there that now I need $800 to down FOR THE WARRANTY... LMAO.... You must be kidding... Who the hell has to do pay down FOR WARRANTY???? Yeah... She must have thought I was really retarded. So I told them it's just not going to work, and all of a sudden, now we can be financed. Hahahahaha... Yeah unlikely story. Whatever. Today I had a super shitty day. Let me tell you why. I love my job, dont get me wrong. It's been a roller coaster that's for sure these last few months. We were supposed to move out of state because Timmy was going to be deployed, well, when it came down to it, they didnt even have all the paperwork they needed to process him to do it, so it ended up not working. Then we were supposed to move to Cali in August for a year, but when I researched it, on post was full and booked up to a year, and everywhere around the base, was ridiculously priced. Im talking, they were wanting $2,000 a month for a 2 bedroom 1 bath!!! Yeah right. Why the hell would I do something like that???? Well, turns out that the military wasnt going to let any of the family go anyway, which would mean I would be having the baby alone, and raising my three kids for the next year and half alone. =( Well then our sitter told us that she wasnt wanting to take anymore babies under the age of 1. Which I totally dont blame her. It put us in the situation where I would have to stay home and take care of the kids. Now im all about working to provide. I am not built to be a stay at home mom. Anyway, so I tell my work im not going to be coming back after the baby, and that was the plan. Well, we talked to our sitter and she said that she would take our baby but we would just have to let her know. Well, I decided to talk to one of the bosses and he was ok with me staying. I asked one of the other bosses for his opinion, and he said he wouldnt mind me staying either. I figured this way, I can just keep working. Well, it's been kind of weird lately, and I feel a weird vibe, and so I figured I would ask where I stand. Well, I was then told that they were wanting a more experienced marketing person, which hey, I know im not good at marketing Structural Engineers. Ill be the first to admit it, but the line that I read that said that two of the guys said to ask our Marketing person about it, I feel as if they were solely leaving the decision in her hands. I love the girl to death dont get me wrong. I just dont believe my position should be resting in the hands of someone who isn't a principal of our company. I made it a point today though, to make it clear that if it works out, sweet, if not, you know what? I walk away with friends. =) There's no reason to be upset about it, cause everything happens for a reason, and if its not meant to be, then it wont be. I've accepted it and am totally ok with it. I just dont believe it's fair to leave it up to a person that is contracted out. You know? Anyway..... It is just another day in my life.......

Oh Man!

2008-06-08T21:45:00.000-06:00

So we spent today spring cleaning, and i am soooo tired. So much has been going on this week, I cant believe how crazy it's been. We havent gone to see grandpa at all. =( Not good. I have just become a recluse lately after work. I mean, I did my lia sophia party Monday night, but all the rest have been hiding out in my mess. Timmy and I talked today about a ton of different things in the past, and he made me face some of them that I have always longed to just keep buried considering it was a really low point in my life. I have been really good about not facing it and just keeping it buried, as I do with A LOT of things in my life that I dont want to face. But today, he made me face it. In a way, im kind of relieved, but there is still a ton from that point that I dont want to face either, and im sure he will make me deal with it. Now if you dont know him, he is really good at it, but he doesnt realize that he does it, until I have a mental breakdown and start bawling. Then he realizes AFTER the fact that he just made me deal with something that I was really good at keeping buried. All in all, the outcome was good considering he always gets really horny when I cry... =) Anyway, my life lately has been so hectic, and stressful, and I have learned something within the last two days that I am famous for saying, but yet never use in my own life. Build a bridge and get over it. My unit manager says its really harsh, but I dont think so. It's to the point, and quite frankly, it's reality. I have done good these last two days with building bridges and getting over my issues, unless of course my past comes back to haunt me, then after I boo hoo for a little bit, I build my bridge and get over it. Besides, holding all that anger inside, doesnt really do me any good. Im glad that I started selling lia sophia considering, it makes me come in contact with people.. and by people I mean the female species. Now, I have really spent my life only having guy friends, with of course the select few girl friends, because women are so much drama!!! With my new part time job, it means, i actually have to communicate and be happy with them. LOL... It's something I know I will get over. Besides, it will be nice to meet new people. Maybe I can actually meet friends. Hahahahahahaha.... Anyway, its 10 and my two monsters are not in bed, and running around my house like little freaks of nature!! As if they dont get out and get to run around outside. LoL. Alright, im going to bed. I need to wake up early and attempt to do my hair... hahahahahaha... we'll see how well that really goes!!!!

Blah.....

2008-06-05T21:37:00.001-06:00

So today totally isnt the best day ever. Had a good laugh at lunch, but really, what's deep down is killing me completely. I am so totally stressed out its not even funny. Im worried about this baby for sure. Im stressed out about our finances because Timmy just barely went back to work from his leg injury, which is good. The military completely sucks at paying the soldiers in a good time frame. Doesnt exactly help that's for sure. Im worried we wont make it through the next few months since I am going to stay home since I dont trust just any one person with my kids...... I know we will, but the stress factor of it all is what's killing me. I have spent way too many sleepless nights trying to figure everything out. I sometimes wonder why does everything have to happen this way for me??? maybe im not careful enough. I dont know. I just wish that everything will be ok again. This is way too much stress for me to be going through right now......

Alrighty Then....

2008-06-04T15:48:00.000-06:00

So we have finally picked a baby name! Seeing that Amaya had won the polls, we found out yesterday that there is already a Maya on Tim's side of the family, so Amaya was quickly exxed out. So in second place, Kamari, is now the new baby's name! The baby's name is going to be Kamari "Belle" Archuleta. I put Belle in quotes because that is what Timmy wants to put her middle name as. Which brings me to the conclusion that I dont want the baby to have my name, but since I will not budge from naming the baby Kamari, Timmy doesnt feel like he should budge on what he wants for her middle name. He feels since we middle named Braeden after him, that we should middle name our LAST child after me. hahahahahahahahahahahaha... Yeah.... I dont agree...on the name that is....but he is the baby daddy, so what can I do?? Anyway, my original idea was to put Gma Archies name for the middle name of this baby, but Timmy is determined to just change Arianna's from Christina-Polita, to Christina-Pauline, since baby had a relationship with her. That would be the more logical thing to do especially because Arianna has ALOT of Gma Archies traits! =) She's got big shoes to fill thats for sure!! =) Anyhow, im in this major stress zone right now, and I swear i cant do much about it, but move up. Keep positive, and dont let anything get me down. Ok. I can get through this rough patch. It will be a matter of time before everything will be good again!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

2008-06-03T09:36:00.001-06:00

Today so far has been super shitty. Super super shitty. Way too stressed out for my own good, and I need to really just get away for a long time. Not that that solves anything, but it will sure as hell feel really good to just get away. Too much is going on right now, and seriously, I feel like I need a serious break. Im supposed to go to Texas soon, but now I dont know if I can. =( I have been having the worst pain ever! It totally sucks, let me tell you. The pain is way worse than the other two, and it just keeps getting worse. I wonder if this baby is just huge. Not sure. Anyway, havent been able to sleep much, fall asleep early, wake up in the middle of the night and then cant sleep for hours, then finally fall alseep right before it's time to wake up and get the kids ready, and my family out the door, and try to be on work on time. I feel a mix of different things and its like my mind is going a million miles per hour and wont stop anytime soon. Which in turn, creates so much stress!!!!! We havent picked a baby name yet. It's out of Amaya and Kamari, but we have no idea. That has been the last thing on my mind lately. Oh well. What can I do at this point right????

Craziness!!

2008-06-02T16:11:00.001-06:00

So my life lately has been completely nuts!! I have signed up to be a lia sophia advisor, had my first show, am having my second show tonight, and im totally super tired right now! Anyway, my life has been this crazy rollercoaster of emotion, and yes it's because I am pregnant. Well, maybe. I think I have been more angry and irritated and easily provoked lately. Not good. More aggressive and very very very mean spirited. LoL. My poor husband always gets the tail end of my days and by then I snap like hell, and then go to bed. Poor thing. At least it's almost over. When the baby comes out, hopefully I wont be so moody. He has a lot of patience that's for sure. He is working up at the base for right now until his leg gets better. He has the results of his MRI, but yet we still dont have a clue if he needs surgery, or what exactly it is. His Dr. thinks he can speak medical terms to him and he will know. Not even google helped me there. So now we wait... Again.... He went to work today to give them "proof" that he was really injured, and found out that they dont really want him to come back until his leg gets better because they need him to work in the warehouse. At least he didnt get fired. Im just frustrated with the whole situation cause we totally need the money. Wish I could say we didnt, but we do. Hopefully soon I will see my extra income from lia sophia kick in. What better part time job, than this though? I dont have to go clock in anywhere, I totally make my own hours, and I get paid for it! Not to mention, I love the jewelry in itself, so it's really not hard for me to sell it. I just cant wait to see my first check. Anyway, that is just part of my crazy life!! I really want to come back to work after the baby, but Aunt Pat doesnt want to take any more baby babies. =( That sucks cause I totally dont trust anyone but her. Oh man. I dont know if I can handle the stay at home life. My mothers upbringing of "dont depend on the man" really takes a good hold of me or my pride I should say. No offense to the stay at home mothers. Im not old fashioned that way. To each his own I guess. I love my kids dont get me wrong, but I feel like taking care of them means providing for them, in more ways than just being home with them. Again, to each his own. That's just my opinion. Anyway, my gpa is in town, and I havent even called him yet!! =( Oh man! I totally suck at this communication thing. I wrote my nephew once in the last two weeks, and I still havent sent the letter! I just can not get it together for the life of me!!! I have so many things going on in my life right now, and not to mention, the stresses of being short money cause of hubbys leg. All I can do is laugh through it, and keep going. This too shall pass......... LoL

Oh Man!

2008-05-19T14:04:00.000-06:00

SOoooooo I get this totally random phone call Saturday afternoon. Yeah. Random is the correct word for it. Irritating came after. I get the call from this guy whom I dated 3 years ago during the separation. Yup. 3 freakin years ago!!!! An old friend decided it would be totally ok to give him my phone number. WHY???? Why would you possibly think that it was ok??? Anyhow, I think it's hilarious when he calls to tell me he "missed" me, "thought about me all the time", "wanted to hear my voice", "still loves me". LMFAO COMPLETELY. My response to this???? Get over it, it was 3 years ago, and I dont want to talk to you anymore. hahahahhahaha. Although that message apparently didnt get through to him. Saying bluntly, and more ruthless than I ever could, Do Not Call Me Anymore apparently means call me Monday morning. WTF??? So what did my clever little ass do??? Change my number immediately after the second try. Hahahahahaha.... How do you like the "This number is no longer in service message"? Hope you smiled when you heard it. Cause I laughed histerically. Now if you dont get the message by that, then buddy, go drug yourself up and build yourself a huge bridge and jump off of it. Hopefully you built your bridge over ground with no water. =D Mean??? Jerk??? Again, I have always been this way, except Im way more brutally ruthless now. I have cut everyone out of my life that I dont want there. For a reason obviously. I have the people in it that I want something to do with, so by chance you dont fit into that mold, then guess what??? It's cause I DONT WANT YOU IN THAT MOLD. Geese. How much more of a bitch do I need to be for people to understand that????

Alrighty Then.....

2008-05-01T18:03:00.000-06:00

So we pull into our parking spot, and notice that the neighbor ran into the storage outside, on their side of course, but it pushed it over to our side. Now, this is a really big storage, and it's hard to miss. You must be absolutely retarded to hit it.

Timmy's leaving bright and early for the weekend for his military training. =( Im totally riding solo with the kids this weekend. And it starts..... It's ok though. It's the life you choose when your spouse is in the military. At least my kids will keep me busy. =)

I need a vacation

2008-04-28T08:39:00.000-06:00

I was told this weekend, that I needed a filter. Hahahahahaha.... I know someone without one, except, my "non filter" is different. I have the "Here it is, whether you like it or not" filter. Lately, it's has gotten a lot worse too. I have the tenancy lately to just come right out and tell people how I feel with no regards to how they will feel when I am done doing the damage. Im normally that way anyway, but lately, I really just don't care anymore. Horrible I know. I have no excuses, or explanations as to why I am so "mean" lately. Not to mention my attitude of "I could careless if you still want to talk to me or not". It's ok. Life will go on, cause it always will, and Ill either still have the people in my life that are here, or some might just turn and walk away. It's ok though. Keep walking. Don't turn around and hope that I will care someday cause I don't. =)

We celebrated the anniversary of the death of my Gma Archie yesterday. =( Now that's a sad, sad, thing. I have learned to just push all my feelings aside and not deal with them considering for the first time in my life last year, I lost someone whom I actually deeply cared for and whom meant a lot to me. A lot of people never understood my relationship with her, and my Gpa, considering, Im just the "in-law". It's ok though, I know what it is, and so do my grandparents. For anyone else that tries to make it something other than what it really truly is, needs to just get over it, and accept the fact that I am close to them. Gma had this way of always making sure I knew how much she loved me. I am always reminded of how much she really really loved me too. =) Makes me feel really good to know that. I never had a close relationship with my grandparents. Both my gpa's died before I was born, and I never had a real relationship with my Gma's. I met my dads mom back in 1990 when we visited Samoa. She had amnesia and could barely remember my dad. I met my moms mom back in Hawaii when she came to live with us for 3 months. I enjoyed every minute I could with her then. She was a sweet humble person, who always had to rush home to take care of her youngest. I guess that was my gpa's wish before he died. She couldn't speak English very well, and it didn't help that I couldn't speak Samoan very well, so our communication barrier really sucked. Im just glad I had the time I did with her. She passed away a couple years ago, and a year later my dads mom died too. When I met Gma Archie, she had this spunk, and happiness to her, and yet you could tell that you never wanted to cross that line with her. =) She was definately a memorable woman. I met her for the first time the day they were moving out of their 6th East house. She's intimidating when you first meet her. That's for sure. I can laugh about it now. After that, every year Timmy and I have been together, she never failed to send us Christmas gifts. She did it for everyone of course, but the fact that I got stuff before Timmy and I were married, made me feel welcome. She even told me a million times before we got married that she loved me, and always told me that him and I should always work through our problems, and stick together, cause in the end, it's always going to be him and I. Which is true. So so true. Aunt Pat says the same thing now. She reminds me so much of Gma. Sometimes, it's hard for me to talk to her too cause she'll say something Gma used to always say to me, and I get choked up. I've gotten really good at burying those feelings though. My babygirl has a lot of Gma in her too. Gma and nana shared a lot of secrets the week before she passed away. It's cute. I have pictures of them together, and my daughter looks exactly like her. Gpa says some of baby's actions and attitudes are just like Gmas too. LoL. I wouldn't have it any other way. =D

Mmmmmmmmmmmm

2008-04-23T10:04:00.000-06:00

I LOVE slushy Mountain Dew!!! Yes.. It's my "weird" craving with baby number three. Except, I just put it back in the freezer since it's totally not slushy enough. LOL. Oh man, So my best friend and her little sis and I were planning on getting a tattoo of a dove since it symbolized Gma Archie. Well, Dr. says not a good idea, and to wait until AFTER the baby. So i get to wait... Patiently... LoL. All good though. Not to mention, how great it will be to have a final name for my little unborn babygirl. Then she can be added to my tat on my back. I hope to get a final product sometime next year. LMAO. That's the goal anyway. Anway, back to work I go... I guess... LMAO

FYI

2008-04-21T09:06:00.000-06:00

The poll won't let me have all six names to vote on! =( So I took off the name that no one has voted for.... LOL....

Yay!

2008-04-21T08:34:00.000-06:00

Im super stoked because Timmy and I FINALLY came down to picking 6 names we like in hopes of finally naming our new baby girl. By the way, you should all vote on the left hand side. =D gotta love it. We ordered the crib last night. Good thing it takes 8-12 weeks to come in! LoL. Which is funny considering my kids never slept in cribs themselves. Yeah yeah.. Ive heard the baby's not to sleep in bed with us, but my kids are fine, and im really not worried about it. Im pretty excited about the whole new baby thing. Only cause now I get to go buy lots of new baby stuff. LoL. Timmy's stoked to have a new baby girl, but just wait until their teens. He wont be so excited then when he realizes how expensive they are! hahahahahaha..... Braeden starts t-ball soon! Yay! Can't wait to see him play. Im totally stoked about it. 8 doesnt come fast enough cause we cant wait to put him in football. Im sure when he's 8, he'll be a huge poly kid. hahahaha Maybe not if his mexican side kicks in. LMAO COMPLETELY. I'm trying to find a tumbling class for Arianna since, she cant be put into dance until 3 I was told. =( That sucks. She'd be so dang cute in a miniture tutu. Hahahahahahaha Something has got to calm that girl down! I love that my kids are so dang cute. Headaches usually, but what kid isn't? Gotta love 'em...

No Really....

2008-04-18T13:17:00.000-06:00

If I haven't already said my brother is a dumb ass, then... He is a dumb ass. How can you be almost 40 years old, living with your sister (not me), and try to still be living like your 18? GROW THE HELL UP YOU LOSER. His poor poor daughters. I should call his "ex" wife (we don't really know if it is for real final), and tell her not to believe him when he says that he doesn't have the money for his child support when she asks, because he is always going to the bars on the weekend. He lives with my sister and has the 2nd biggest room in the house because she felt obligated to give her parents her master suite, and never once had the brain to tell her that her and her husband should take his room since THEY pay for EVERYTHING, and his measly 400 hundred dollars that he complains about doesn't cover half the expenses he should be responsible for. Yes, she's a dumb ass too for letting them step all over her like that. I seriously would love to tell him where to go. Mr. "I have $40,000.00 in stocks, but yet have nothing to show for it", and gives everyone the pitty story of "SHE TOOK ME TO THE CLEANERS". LMAO COMPLETELY. Dude, REALITY CHECK, YOU DIDN'T HAVE SHIT WHEN EVERYTHING "ENDED", because if you really had an extra $40,000.00 you claimed she mysteriously took and has no record of, then guess what, she wouldn't have to call you EVERYDAY asking you for money. DUMB ASS. I know Erinn, and I know how FRUGAL she is, so she isn't going to just spend, spend, spend like crazy if she knows at some point it's going to end. I know for a fact if YOU were the one to keep your finances in your marriage, you would be completely BROKE ALL THE TIME. DAH. I think it's so funny how you say that "your blunt, and honest, and tell people like it is". HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... YEAH.... LIAR is THE BEST DESCRIPTION FOR YOU. You can't tell the truth for the life of you. You have the parents confused that your into "reading your bible", and you "don't go out every weekend", and you "don't just sleep around with girls". LMFAO COMPLETELY. Riiiiiiight.. This is the same person who INTERFERED with the house in South Jordan, because he thought he would be getting a cut of the money when HE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Ooooh and the SAME GUY who INTERFERED with the house in West Jordan that MY NAME WAS ON because he was counting on getting a cut of the money that once again, HE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Is that why you had our parents CONVINCED that I WAS TRYING TO STEAL ALL THE MONEY????? Oh but yet "YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING", and blame ME for INVOLVING YOU, when you have the honor of thanking your FATHER for that. JACK ASS. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Do you know why mom and dad listen to every word you say and believe all the BULL SHIT that comes out of your mouth???? BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT FEEDS INTO THEIR FANTASY WORLD..... I mean let's be real.... YOU TRIED TO HELP THE PARENTS SUE ME BECAUSE OF THE HOUSE.... LMFAO.... Really??? Hey dumb ass, guess what, you can have my daughters SHITTY DIAPERS, cause that's all you can get out of me you JACK ASS. You should've actually put thought into what the hell you guys were plotting.. NOT THE BRIGHTEST in the bunch are you??? Oh and for your information.. YOU WERE RIGHT... I AM THE SMARTEST IN OUR FAMILY AND I SURE AS HELL USE MY BRAIN BECAUSE I DON'T PUT UP WITH YOU OR YOUR FAMILY'S BULL SHIT!!!!! How's that for being "the smartest in our family" that you used to say???? I am so sick of you and all the crap that you always tell people and make everyone think you are this WONDERFUL person, who people should look up to.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... You're right, ill look up to you cause I want to be almost 40 and going no where in life, and living off of my sister... Yup... Beautiful example you are. Oh and your comment about you not wanting Lexxy around me if I'M going to act like that... Well, buddy, EAT YOUR WORDS.... Cause sleeping with 19 year old girls is SAD AND PATHETIC. Good example for your daughters. And "I'm the bad parent" as you said.... FUCK YOU... At least I see my kids DAILY..... and I may not be the richest person, and I may not be the "stay at home mom" that you always suggested I be, but my kids are damn smart, and know that my family is TOGETHER, and that their dad doesn't do shitty things to people and say shitty things to people and treat people like they are BENEATH him. Oh and the fact that you EVER in your life thought that you ARE A BETTER DAD TO MY KIDS THEN HE IS....AGAIN FUCK YOU... You aren't even HALF THE MAN he is!!!!!! He didn't abandon my kids, and NEVER WILL HE.... He has a REAL job and provides for them just fine, and doesn't make excuses for working for less money because he doesn't want to pay money to take care of them. So before you start opening your mouth and running it like you have a right, just remember to watch who talk about and make sure they aren't listening to your conversation. You're and ASSHOLE. I hope your girls NEVER, NEVER, NEVER turn out like you. =D

WOW

2008-04-09T22:05:00.001-06:00

So i just figured out that my mom is actually 60 today. What the crap. I suck at this age thing. I decided that everyone in my dysfunctional family hasn't moved ages. Everyone is still the same age they were ten years ago. WOW. Goes to show how much i really pay attention. I guess hubby is leaving for the first weekend of May to train again too. Guess i just need to suck it up and get over it. Again, that's the life you choose as a military wife. Anyway. Why are high school girls so annoying??? We were eating dinner at Training Table and good lord, 10 of the drill team members for some school showed up. Normally I dont give two shits, but tonight, they seemed way too loud and way too prissy. Like Oh My God!!! Ugh... That is so annoying. Im glad I wasnt that prissy when I was in high school. At least I hope not. LoL. Amazing what all these years can do to you after you graduate high school. I truly truly live a dysfunctional life. My poor kids will have to just learn to live with it too. Anyway, time for bed..... Until next time......

Just Me.....

2008-04-09T15:17:00.001-06:00

So im totally having a "just me" day! It's my mom's 52nd birthday, oh wait. Maybe 51st. Whoa. I dont even know that much. Oh well. Either way she's old. LoL. Im ready to call it a day. No wait, a week for that. Ugh. I have so many things going on in my head that it's totally ridiculous. I went to my baby apt today. Im officially 24 weeks and 3 days according to the doctor. How crazy is that? Baby number 3 and I swear you'd think i'd be more prepared. At least im popping them out right now and not when im super old. Im done after this one for sure. I will be getting an IUC put in after the baby so I don't get pregnant for a while. At least that way if Tim wants anymore kids anytime, we can just take it out. Anyway. I am so bugged out today! I have so many things to get completed. I wrote my nephew and sent him pictures of my babygirl since he loves her dearly. Im going to visit him tomorrow. I think. That's if I didn't get booted again. If so, then ill just write him again. My husband found out that he has his military training for two weeks next month, a week in June, a week in July, and he (maybe we) will be moving to California. We were supposed to move to Wisconsin, but they want him in California. In August. He's definately going first. I just don't know if i want to move all of our kids out there. I dont want to be away from him, but I also dont want the usual military life of bouncing around. What do you do though? That's the life you choose being a military wife. Im definately going to miss everyone here for sure though. I feel like I have so many freaking things to say, yet nothing will come out. This was all I could get out so far... Ugh.... Until next time!!!

DYSFUNCTIONAL LIFE OF MINE

Bleh.

Decisions, Decisions

September 26, 2010

Out with Old... In with the New

Funny Thing

It Is What It Is

REALITY

....

Bleh....

"Hate Me"

I am so sick....

And... Im good...

***YOU DONT KNOW ME***

Wow....

Speechless....

Sooooo....

Blah

2009

**EYES ON FIRE**

Seriously....

New Beginnings

Best Quote I heard yet....

Flightless Bird

My Prayer

End of 2008

NEW BLOG

Anger at its best.....

Here I am... Day 2

HERE I AM....

Hmmmm.....

*SIGH*

.....

Random

This is me... Now.....

Dear Diary.. Part 2

Dear Diary,

Randomness of me....

Untitled....

Today....

There is a light......

Melting Down

3's.... I guess im it....

And..... Im good.....

For the love of God......

Alright..Alright...Alright....

****SIGH****

Tired.....So Tired.....

**Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh**

SURVEY SAYS.....

Packing it Up

*FABULOUS*

Ugh.....

Life is good....

Random Thoughts....

Old.....

SHE'S HERE!!!

Blah....

Frustration...

Another Survey....

One Worded Survey

The life....

Ok... Really....

Yeah... Still....

And she sighs......

SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTT

Ok...Ok...Ok...

And I laugh....Histerically....

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????

Ugggghhhhh.......

Random Thoughts.....

DUN DUN DUN......

=)

Another Day In My Life....

Oh Man!

Blah.....

Alrighty Then....

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Craziness!!

Oh Man!

YOU DONT KNOW ME

EYES ON FIRE

SIGH

SIGH

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

FABULOUS